SAILORS BOARD ME NOW!

Nothing like sailing on the high seas with your mate(s) trolling for some whale cock.

I’m part of Jai Tanju’s little Film Por Vida project. It’s a bunch of dudes who send photos through the mail to each other. I’m the one dude on the list that doesn’t send shit to nobody, but for some reason I get a pretty serious amount of photos. I’ve enjoyed receiving every photo I’ve gotten in my mailbox, thank you to everyone, but this one is easily the best. It’s from Dave Rosenberg in Oakland and all it says on the back is, “Found this in the trash!”

MORE AT THE LIMIT OF CLOSE TO THE GAY

Speaking of faggot photos in the mail, Tobin sent me this blast from the past. Who is that faggot?

WALRUS OUT. TREE KANGAROOS AND RED PANDAS IN.


Way back when, Tremaine and everybody at Big Brother decided we should have an office walrus. There was even an ad in the magazine requesting donations. Well, walruses are soooo 1994. In my office I want a tree kangaroo (above) and a red panda (below). Dude, look at that panda, he'll fuck you the fuck up. The kangaroo just kills you with cuteness.



HARTFORD WHALERS RIP OFF PART 2

My friend Thomas noticed that Tiger Woods is simultaneously ripping off Whalecock and the Hartford Whalers with his logo. Fuckin' Woodbags...

BUCKETS

I take that back about walruses. They're cool again.

7yyyyyy6

This was the last thing Gary wrote on my computer. "7yyyyyyy6." I think it means he hates you.

FRAULEIN OLGA

LOWENBRAU KELLER

Fraulein Tania gets her German on.

I’m a published food writer now. My friend Josh Tyson is an editor over at Dining Out magazine and while we were chatting about Thomas Keller’s restaurant in Vegas, he said, “You want to write an article about it?” I did. And they loved it. Apparently the editor said, “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” after she read it. So the following restaurant review was written by a PROFESSIONAL. Yes.

Lowenbrau Keller restaurant in Los Angeles: HOLY FUCK! Why have I never heard of this place before? Our friend Dave Peters told us about it. “It’s crazy in there,” he said. Now that we’ve been there, that’s an understatement. Apparently the owners had something to do with a Hollywood set designer. Boars heads, wine kegs, suits of armor, antlers, there’s so much shit crammed in there. But that’s just the half of it.


The chandelier above the piano. And oh that bar (right.)

The “staff” is the other part that makes this place so delightfully crazy. There’s just two of them. Two old ladies: the owner (not sure what she does, she seated us and that was that) and Fraulein Olga, the cook and waitress. I knew I was getting into something crazy when I called and I spoke with the owner. She didn’t really seem like she wanted us to come. But she grudgingly said we could come at 8:30. I hung up without even giving her a name or anything for the reservation.

We decided it would be fun to show up early. We arrived at 8. “Oh you’re lucky,” she said when we walked into the Black Forest. “There’s supposed to be a party of five, but they haven’t shown up.” Meaning if they had shown up we wouldn’t be allowed in. It was even funnier when, after we were seated, we realized there were only two other people in the whole restaurant.

After ogling at our extremely German surroundings for a few minutes, a giant hulk of a German woman arrived. I later learned this was Fraulein Olga. She told us, in a very annoyed way, that there were no menus, “I will tell you what I have.” I think there were three things to choose from: chicken schnitzel, veal schnitzel, and sausage. “And you have to hurry up.” Okay, okay. Tania took the veal, so I went for the chicken. After she poured us a couple Spaten’s, she disappeared into the kitchen to make our dinners.


Dead animals provide the light.

Tania’s father is German and she’s fiercely proud of her heritage. She explained that that wasn’t unusual at all, but typical of the Hofbrau style. Didn’t bother me. And when the food finally arrived, it was amazing. It was your typical German fare, but it was done very well.


I make funny faces.

Suddenly the party of five arrived. They were scolded. And they had an extra person. “You did not tell me it was a party of six!” she boomed at them. GASP! They don’t tolerate that kind of inaccuracy in Germany.

Tania wants her bday party there, and while it looks like a fine place to have a party, I’m not sure it would work in practice. They don’t seem to like customers. Although I left a rather handsome tip, and when we were leaving, Fraulein Olga said, “Good night. And thank you for being so generous.”

I read that the Lowenbrau Keller was one of Elvis’ favorite places to eat in LA. And it is now one of mine. Apparently it really goes off during Octoberfest. Can’t wait.


Out back in the parking lot are a bunch of movie props.


KWISTEFE

yes kwistefe is back. this one makes me want to make a tshirt that reads, "that is at the limit of close to the gay." as sean cliver said, "that describes just about everything that was ever in jackass and big brother." anyway, a letter from belgium:


Hello David,

what is by you? good?

sorry for the retard in response but i know you were not concerning
about it. I have sporadically the access to internet. It is
pleasureful that you give your news to me.

Hey, i joke hey when i say you are the gay! we are not the pink team!
(but i see the photo of you and your dick with mustard or such on the
blog somewhere...that is at the limit of close to the gay;)

That remembers to me when you send at me some Big Brother stickers and
i receive of rollerblades with the gay colors, it was such crazy laugh
(and i still have them). Every sonday, near a park where i live, the
rollerbladers come and exhibition their gayness moves and i film that
sometimes with my camera in ridicule ==> maybe i will do the "montage"
someday of the rollerbladers doing such with a Slayer background
musical.

you have not the portable phone? that is unbelievable crazy cool!
today every has the phone in their ear and they talk blablabla to the
others. and i too, so maybe i am the gay without aknowledge!

Hey you say about my brother BK. It is the bad news with him often.
He is now in the St Gilles prison: it is the tough nut to residate
there, you must believe. Sorryly enough, he does the stupid acts
without thinking. And so done he does 3 years for stealing homes and
the cars, and for the drugs he possess at the arrestation (somewhat of
cocaine). He did by example also to break a window shop to get the
bottles of beer, and all was taked on video surveillance! the idiot
thing, not? I will not elongate the other further things because the
police service has a long listing!

But hey, if not, have you listenend to the band? Maybe you do not
like. we have other songs but must record.

I read you soon.

Kwis.

SWEDISH BOARD GAMES

BARRY PISSING

I don't know anyone else but myself who is so lucky to have a bunch of random stranger friends who send me pictures of full frontal male nudity.

"Hey Dave,

I have attached a photo of my best friend.

From Luke Thompson"

GLIDING AND TURNING


Skateboarding's favorite fruitcake, Daniel Gesmer, has been hired to perform in an upcoming Cirque De Soleil production. I'm friends with Dan, so naturally I wrote him a big WHAT THE FUCK? We're currently working with Cirque on trying to do a little more than just an interview. As in some backstage filming and whatnot. "WE?" For what? Oh wouldn't you like to know.


SWEDISH VERT SKATER BOARD GAME: PENTAGO


Matthias is an odd fellow. I mean that in a good way. You wouldn’t know it, but he’s got some pretty fucked up stories. Ones you’d be surprised he’s at the center of. I think skateboarding should take a closer look at Matthias, but that's just me. Fortunately this story is fit for polite conversation, but it’s still a surprise.

We had been chatting off and on all weekend at the XGames, but as we stood next to each other at the BMX vert finals Matthias got kind of serious.

“Can I ask you a question?” he asked.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“You seem like a smart guy.”

“I fake it,” I said.

“Do you like games, Dave?” he asked. He said it kind of like he had a Swedish sex dungeon or something he wanted to lead me to.

“Uh,” kind of a strange question. “Yeah? I guess?”

“Do you have a moment?” he asked, kind of motioning over to a corner.

“Sure.”

We retreated to a corner where he produced what looked like a CD case. I was expecting handcuffs and a ball gag, but inside was a little board game. There were four squares with little divets in each that you placed marbles into. The object, he explained, was to get five in a row. It’s kind of like a fancy tic-tac-toe, but, as it turns out, with chess like strategy.

At the time, I was given to understand that he had invented the game. Which made me think, “God, skateboarding is weird. Swedish vert skater/strategy board game creator?” You can’t make that shit up. As it turns out, it was indeed invented by a Swede, just not him.

“It so easy to underestimate the game,” he wrote in an email later, “it looks just like a little easy 5 in a row game. I did that when my mom gave it to me, I thought, ‘Come on mom, i'm 30 that's a kid’s game... alright i'll play you....’ then lost 3 times in a row and i was like, "Hey hold on a sec." Then started playing with my brothers and eventually took over here. And you know the rest.”

The rest is that he approached Tony Mag, the other Swedish vert skater, with the game because Tony, unlike me, actually is a smart guy and not only enjoys games, but is good at them. They basically licensed the game from the creator in Sweden and are manufacturing it themselves and marketing it here.

“Swedish Vert Skater Board Game Topples Tony Hawk Pro Skater as Number One Game in World!”

So he gets this game out and wants me to have a go at it. I enjoy a game of chess here and there, Scrabble is a favorite, and whenever I travel I always have a Sudoku book with me. The problem at the XGames was that I was extremely hungover and, well, we were at the XGames. Worst place possible to try and pitch an idea to someone. What made it even worse was the BMX announcer. Holy shit, I’ve heard some really bad MCs in my time, but this dude was easily the worst I’ve ever heard. For one, he was Australian. I think that might be the worst accent ever. Especially when it’s SUPER AUSTRALIAN, as this fucker’s was. Everybody was “DA BEEST” and “HEESTORY” was being made left and right. Needless to say I couldn’t play Matthias’ stupid game.

Fortunately Matthias is also a smart guy and recognized the pain I was in and offered to send me one. A few days later, sure enough, I got my very own PENTAGO. It sat on the counter for about a week because every time I looked at it I heard that fucking Australian accent. Eventually it died away and I was able to open the game. And I have to admit I’m totally addicted to it now. Like chess, it is so simple, even simpler, but so complex. I even woke up the morning after my first night with it with strategy in my head. When I went to the website…

www.pentago.com

I discovered that this strategy “I invented” was already called “THE TRIPLE POWER PLAY” and it’s “the most powerful move in the game as it’s deceptive and versatile.” HA! There’s another move on there called “Monica’s Five,” named after Tony Mag’s wife who, apparently regularly employs the move with deadly results, so I’m currently trying to get them to change the name of THE TRIPLE POWER PLAY to something a little more Carnie-esque. Names I’m thinking they should use:

TOTAL CARNAGE

CARNAGE AND LIGHTNING

THE CARN CARN CARN

CUNTY CUNT CUNT 3000

SUCK THE BUTT, KOOK

AT THE LIMIT OF CLOSE TO THE GAY

No response yet from the Swedish vert skater camp.

One thing I should note here: while I’ve played the game a few dozen times, I’ve only won a handful of games. Literally. I think I’ve won less than five games. Tania is a fucking master at it. I’d like to blame it on the fact that I drink way more than she does, but I have to admit, that chick is fucking smart. It’s no fluke. Because she has a similar innate talent when it comes to chess and Scrabble. There’s a crafty little brain up in that skull of hers. One of the many reasons why I’m marrying that lady.

But I’m on a mission to beat her at that fucking game. I’m also trying to get sponsored by Pentago, but that’s second to beating Tania. When she gets home tonight, I’m going to beat her fucking ass good. (I love writing that sentence.)

“As far as the team,” Matthias said, “I can put you on flow for right now. budgets have already been made for this year.”

Typical fuckin industry bullshit.




JOLLY GOOD SHOW!
Not sure what to make of this. Russ sent it. The English are fuckin’ weird.

August 16, 2007

Police let good times roll

LEE-ON-THE-SOLENT Police are being sent skateboarding in an attempt to cultivate a “cooler” image to improve their relations with young people. Hampshire police are sending officers to workshops, attended by up to 30 youngsters aged from 12 to 16, to receive expert tuition.
The force wants one constable, three police community support officers and one sergeant to attend the two-hour, twice-weekly sessions, where they will start on a training board without wheels.
“It is a chance for police to talk to young people in a positive situation and to break down barriers. It lets the youngsters see a more human side to the police,” a police spokeswoman said. She added that a similar scheme in which police organised other activities for children in the area had cut crime by 28 per cent last year. “If they get called to another incident they will go and deal with it rather than staying there and having fun skateboarding.”

BEST PICTURE EVER

ACHEY BREAKY JAKEY

IT'S ALL ABOUT BOB

“I don’t know what hurts him most,” Weiss said, “the slam, or getting robbed.”



Yeah, Jake should have won. After 13 years, ESPN was given the opportunity to do something right, but they showed once again that they just don’t get it. What an amazing story they would have had to pump on their network: underdog skater falls 45 feet, survives AND wins gold. They missed such a great opportunity by giving Bob first. Even without the sympathy points, I think Jake wins on paper.

Jake: 70’ 360 ollie to 23’ 540.
Bob: 70’ switch b/s 180 to 16’ f/s 540.

“So how much money did you have on Bob?” I asked judges Chris Miller and Tony Magnusson the next day. “Because that was retarded.”

“Hey,” Tony said, “I was the only judge that said Jake won.”

Well good for Tony Mag. But I’m disappointed in the other three judges: Chris Miller, Sasha Steinhorst and Hosoi. Apparently they couldn’t decide who won and so threw up their hands and let ESPN make the call. And of course they’re going to give it to their golden boy, Bob.

“Man, I don’t know,” Tony Hawk said when I asked him who he thought won. “I would go with Jake. The reason they gave it to Bob, and I know this, is because no one has ever done a f/s five. And whenever someone does something that hasn’t been done, they count it for so much more.”

“I didn’t think anyone had done a 360 ollie in a contest before?” I said.

“They’ve seen him do it, though, you know what I mean?” Tony said. “They hadn’t seen Bob make a f/s five. I’m just saying in the minds of the judges that’s what they were thinking. To me, a 360 ollie over 70 feet? That’s it.”

But they had also seen Bob do switch b/s 180s. Bob, in fact, warms up with a switch b/s 180. As one person observed, switch isn’t as big of a deal today as it used to be. And since the judges are all old farts who come from a time when switch didn’t exist, I think they gave it a little more merit than necessary. I know for a fact they did because I spoke with them after. Chris Miller, for one, was absolutely smitten with the switch b/s 180. I don’t want to take anything away from Bob’s run, but I, and I think most people, think Jake’s was better.

Danny Way also later said the gold should have gone to Jake. His reasoning was, “The contest is called, Big Air Contest. And Jake went bigger.”

Simple as that.

The judges told me that they weren’t allowed to factor in any outside factors: they had to choose who had the best single run. Anything beyond that didn’t count. So Jake’s 720 over the gap that he did just before the slam was ignored. Which I disagree with because he had never made that before in his life and to try it and make it in a contest situation just shows that he was going bigger than Bob. Also, they should have taken into consideration the fact that Bob got six runs to every one else’s five. Apparently he complained that he was distracted by a motorcycle during one of his earlier runs.

“This is the XGames, not Wimbledon,” a friend said when he heard that.

Pierre Luc also took a run with a motorcycle in the background, but he didn’t complain.

But, again, as Danny said, none of that should matter: Jake went bigger. And, frankly, looked better.

And after that slam, I think the gentlemanly thing to do would have been to have just ended the contest right there and given it to Jake. He was in first place. He had won. But no, Bob had to go and take his extra run and try and win it. As I’ve said, he didn’t win it, but the fact that he wanted to beat a fellow skater who had just taken one of the hardest slams ever isn’t really congruent with the spirit of skateboarding. Or even the spirit of sport, for that matter. When did “winning at all cost” creep into skateboarding?

“That’s Bob,” Gentry said. “It’s all about Bob.”

And as we all know, the XGames aren’t going to be paying Jake’s hospital bills because they don’t provide insurance for their event. So Jake will have to use the $20,000 he got for second to pay for his slam. While ESPN will continue to reap the benefit of that footage for years to come. Twenty grand’s not bad, but I’m sure he’d prefer the $60,000 that ESPN gave Bob for first. I’m not suggesting this should be a charity, but the injustice of the whole thing grows worse when you know Bob’s pretty well off, while Jake barely has a pot to piss in. What’s Bob going to do with the money, buy another mango grove, or put a yoga studio in his house?





Lastly, those theatrics at the end there, the rolling around on the ramp, holding his head, “I’m so huuuurt,” (Jake’s the one that fell out of a fucking building!)—come on, dude, leave that shit on the soccer pitch.

Jake should have won. But fortunately his injuries weren’t too bad and, while it’s a tough way to succeed, that slam is actually opening a lot of doors for him. I know a number of TV shows wanted him for interviews and apparently his sponsors are making him real offers now.

How he didn't die is astounding, though. He hit the flat so hard his fucking shoes flew off into the crowd. The fact that there's nothing wrong with him is wrong in itself. But I'm glad he's okay.

“I’ve always said that he’s had this rare condition since birth,” Weiss said. “It’s like his skull is so thick, there’s no room for a brain. He’s the literal definition of a bone head.”

Yeah Jake.

DOUCHE BAGS WITH LITTLE DICKS

HOW TO AVOID THE XGAMES

“Whoa! What are you doing here?”

“This is the last place I’d expect to see you!”

“Suck a butt kook.”

These are the things people said to me at the XGames. Yes, I went to the XGames. Kind of. Why? Because Red Bull paid me to. In hindsight, I’m not sure if it was worth it.

Nieratko’s got that energy drink company wrapped around his little finger. They sponsored his book tour, and essentially bank rolled the whole thing. They even flew him and his wife to Hawaii to do a reading at some dinky skate shop in Maui. He told them that the skate shop determines what America reads the next year.

So they asked Nieratko if he would cover the XGames for their Red Bulletin magazine thingy. Which is basically an insert in other magazines. Apparently they’ve been printing ‘em out at F1 races. They go to an F1 race, cover it, and then they have a mobile printer (it’s like a printing press in a truck, I understand?) which prints out a magazine every night. And they decided they wanted to do one for the XGames which will appear in either Happy magazine or Blisss magazine. Niether of which I’ve ever heard of, nor do I care. But Nieratko asked if I wanted help and the money wasn’t bad. Plus I want a flat screen over my fireplace.

I knew it would be bad, but I didn’t think it would be as bad as it was. And yes I was there when Jake Brown fell down and went BOOM! More on that in a minute. But aside from one lousy day at the ‘Po (that’s what we started calling the Home Depot Center where the games were held), I spent most of my time avoiding going to the XGames. Which was fine, because that’s the kind of stories these Red Bull fellas were interested in. “Taking the piss out of the XGames,” they kept saying. They, the magazine people, were English. They lived in a windowless bunker on the fourth floor of The Standard Hotel in downtown LA. Which was where we were all staying at. It felt weird packing a bag to go stay at a hotel that is, at worst, ten minutes from my house.

So instead of attending the XGames, I wiled away my time at the Standard.


getting drunk in the rooftop pool.



hanging out with the hot bitches at the pool.


and watching real sports like NASCAR in bed.

DOUCHE BAGS

There were a lot of douche bags at the XGames. I’m actually really disappointed that I didn’t spend more time documenting them. In fact I didn’t document them at all. At the time I was so revolted by them, that I didn’t think to take pictures of them. But you know that FMX (freestyle motorcross…took me forever to figure that out), Orange County kind of look? Lots of tattoos, faggy sunglasses, faggy hair and Monster Energy drink hats. If they were wearing a shirt, it was a wife beater. There were millions of them there. Just a sea of Rick Thornes.



I did take a picture of one of their vehicles, though. When I see anything this audacious on the road, the first thing I say is, “Sorry about your dick.” Any amateur psychologist will tell you that this is a penis issue. It is the result of having a little penis. And judging by the sheer number of these monsters in the parking lot, there were a lot of little dicks at the XGames. And if you don’t think this has anything to do with the owner’s penis, then why is there a scrotum hanging off the back of it?

THE EXCLUSIVE ATHLETE LOUNGE

I still get all giddy when Hosoi recognizes me. I got him to pose with Desiree Astorga and ole ever ready Eddie Reautegui.

As with every XGames I've had the displeasure of attending, I am not allowed to go anywhere. I never have the right pass for anything. I get to go in for free, but my passes never seem to get me anywhere anybody else can go. I didn’t have an “athlete’s lounge” pass apparently. Everyone else did, though. And that’s where they hung out. There was free Taco Bell in the athlete’s lounge. And it wasn’t normal Taco Bell. This was Tony Hawk Taco Bell. I had some. It was good. I was able to finagle my way in a couple times. “Nope,” they’d say. “Come on,” I’d whine, “I don’t even want to be here. I could give a shit about the athlete’s lounge, I’m just trying to find my ride home. Just let me look and see if he’s in there.” “Oh, alright.” Brian Patch complimented me on my verbal judo skills. “Jesus,” he said, “you’re good, because they don’t let anyone in here.”



And they shouldn’t, it’s like heaven in there. Famous people milling about, free Taco Bell, free pasta salad, a pool table…can you say “awesome.” They even got a secret golf course in a dark room in the corner. I found Dave “DUI” Duncan playing a round of golf. Dagger my ass. Daggers don’t need blankets and they sure as hell don’t play golf. I thought that was in the rules?

Blogging takes too long. You'll have to wait til the next post to read my inside take on the mega ramp business and to see the Swedish board game that Matthias Ringstrom created.

THIS CHARMING BLOG

I hired this dude to write the blog today. love that look.

BILL PEPPER MAKES JUNK

Bloody baby! Yes, washed up, old pro skateboarder Bill Pepper has given birth to Tyler Dean Pepper. Congratulations Bill. That's not womb blood, by the way. That's Jake Phelps' blood. Apparently the li'l fella came flying out of Bill's vagina with fists a-flying and went straight down to the Thrasher offices and gave ole Jake another "pepper spray." Like father like son.


And I call all babies "junk" because, let's face it, babies are ugly. They're just different colored lumps of junk. When they start to look like a little person after a couple years some of them are fortunate enough to qualify as "cute." There are exceptions to the rule, of course, and Mike Mihaly's baby is one of them. I want that hair.


Since Tania and I are getting married, the baby question has come up a few times. Friends have asked the question. Tania and I are clear on our baby views. I, for instance, will regularly say under my breath, "fuckyoubaby," to any baby who happens to be near me. While we both agree that having a baby and watching it shoot poop at us would be funny for a couple years, the idea of it turning into a little brat child and then a teenager makes us puke. babies, yeah, maybe. children, no. teenagers, fuck no. we'd rather spend the money for braces on a trip to the caribbean and get fucked up. this is called FORESIGHT. Tania and I wish more people would use it. (Is that Dennis McGrath?)

YOUR ENGLISH LESSON, SIR
spot the typo:

"King Maximilian I Joseph of Bavaria spared no expense when his son Ludwig married his beloved Theresa of Saxony-Hildburghausen, and held a massive party for 40,000 guests on October 17, 1810. The climax was an 36,000-feet-horse race in a large meadow outside the town."

Because of the placement of the dashes, we have 36,000 foot tall horses racing each other? It probably would have been better to have written, "The climax was a 36,000-foot-long horse race…" Dashes attach words together. Be careful where you place them. Still, I enjoy the image. "They raced across the Atlantic, their hooves pounding the ocean floor while their noses remained safely above the violent waves…”

ERIC NEVADA'S TAPOUT: HAND TO FLUKE COMBAT

Eric Nevada created a number of devices which enabled him to leave the boat and engage a whale face to face.

LIMITED EDITION, ERIC NEVADA REPLICA FLASK

In addition to being one of the greatest whalers in history, Eric Nevada was also a prolific drinker. He could drink for months at a time and never get sick or hungover. Needless to say, he never lost a drinking contest. His intake was astounding. It’s rumored he once challenged the Hoover Dam to a drinking contest…and won. After Eric toured the Bushmill distillery in Ireland, there wasn’t a drop of whiskey left in a single oak cask. It was five years before the world would see a drop of Irish whiskey again.

Big cocks require big flasks. Whalecock skateboards is proud to present an authentic replica of the giant, stainless steel flask Eric used to carry in his back pocket. It holds up to a gallon of your favorite beverage. A mere shot for Eric, but certainly more than enough for you and your friends. It comes embossed with the famous Whalecock W logo, and can be monogrammed as well. $198.00

The Casino in the Whale

In his childhood and despite his Parents’ objections, Eric enjoyed Whaling with the Negroes well into the wee hours of the morning. Their influence can be seen throughout his long and storied career. He was enamored, for instance, with Casino carpets and insisted that no ship under his charge be without a bright, obnoxiously patterned deck from starboard to port, bow to stern. Being fourth mate, I was given the task before our last voyage of riding into town and securing 400 yards of carpet. The samples Eric provided are shewn below.


Eric ended up disliking this one and used it in the brig.


There are drawings in his journals of the hollowed remains of a sperm whale converted into a casino with this pattern on the floor. "The Jonas Casino" was actually begun on indian land in western Massachussets, but the project was abandoned almost as soon as it began. When asked why the construction of the whale casino was never completed, he replied, "Fifteen tables aint enough to shit on."


He once confided in me when he was in a drunken stupor that this pattern reminded him of his boyhood negro friend Shem. His eyes welled with tears.


Eric said he was fond of this pattern because it made him mad. A condition conducive to whaling. He would often take a bottle of tequila and a sample of this carpet and retire to his cabin for hours. When he emerged, it was best to get out of his way. If you were unfortunate enough to be in his path, there was no torture his twisted mind couldn't imagine inflicting upon your person.

ERIC NEVADA

The whale was created by God. Or an ostrich. Perhaps God was ordered by an ostrich to create whales. Did God create the ostrich to boss him around? That’s a bit masochistic isn’t it? Or is the ostrich God, and God is just its puppet? A clumsy flightless bird that buries its head in the sand created everything? That actually makes more sense. That would make it an OZtrich, then, wouldn’t it? The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghoztrich. It doesn’t much matter. There are whales.


And Eric Nevada—who was also created by God, or an ostrich, it doesn’t much matter—was born to hunt them.

BOZO MONKEY BEAR THE THIRD

i have bad news for you: you're going to die. because the world is coming to an end. bill weiss is having a baby. pat duffy is having a baby. and mike crum already had a dang baby. if that's not enough to harsh your mellow, dave carnie is getting married to tania. are you ready for the bad news? i created a second blog to document the deed. yes, i am the not-so-proud owner of two blogs. you know what kind of people have two blogs? faggots.

click on the title above or go to http://bozomonkeybear3.blogspot.com/



DADDY!!! (and yes i'm the mother of pat's baby. only two months and it's really showing. oh it just kicked! i already need a bigger bra. pickle? anybody got a pickle? pickle pepper pomegranate parsnip pizza! PLAZE!)

HOCKEY COCKS

i would never disrespect the cup in any way, but there's a part of me that wants to jump over the glass (like that dude that tried to bum rush the pope) and poop in the cup while they're posing for this picture...sorry, i'm still very upset about last night's loss.

i have no comment on last night's anaheim win except to say that it's always nice to have a new name on the stanley cup. first california team ever! i would have preferred one of the other two, but oh well. and thanks to ottawa's ineptitude, my name will, once again, not be adorning our gentleman's beer drinking club cup this year. i take solace in the fact that it is on there once: detroit 2001. almost got on again, but instead jason scribner's anaheim ducks did it last night. congratulations to jason. he is now responsible for throwing the gentleman's party and "there better be a keg, meat, ice cream and it better be fun." those are the rules.

and thanks to the site below, i'm happy to inform you that it would take roughly 2,940 hockey pucks to equal the weight of one right whale's testicle.

http://www.weirdconverter.com/weight.php


THE WEINER


this is jason. he won our gentleman's hockey club. in this picture, the ducks have just won and he's celebrating. i'm no doubt at my house throwing plates. he also grew a really weird playoff "beard." he looks like a gross porno star.



since he won, he shaved off his "beard." looks much better. not creepy at all. totally not creepy. makes you want to poop in his mouth, huh? or ram 2,940 pucks up his ass.

PROFILERS BE PROFILIN'
tania’s face blew up a couple days ago. tania, apparently, is allergic to lychee nuts. and specifically profilin.

“CONCLUSION: Lychee fruit contains a significant amount of profilin. Consumption of this exotic fruit can cause severe anaphylactic reactions in patients being sensitized against the plant pan-allergen profilin.”



yeah i don’t know what half those words are either. tania wanted a “weird snack,” the other day so she came home from the fancy grocery store with some weird ass fruit. "they’re lychee nuts," she said. i tried one. i admire andrew zimmerman. he's given me the courage to put just about anything in my mouth. [insert your joke here].

inside a lychee nut (or fruit, we're not sure) it kind of looks like an eyeball. it's white, viscuous pulp surrounding a large nut/seed, not unlike an avacoda pit. so we had a couple. they're not bad. it's an unusual taste, but it's pleasant. i had one, tania had two. but the next day, she took the rest to work and had like six of them or something. and that's when she blew up. i always answer her calls, but i was right in the middle of remodeling our bathroom and wrestling with the subfloor when the phone blew up. "fuck, what the hell is so important?"

so some coworkers drove her to an urgent care where i met her and found my li’l baby not so little anymore. she was all puffy. and itchy. and a different color. i brought my camera to take pictures, but she forbid it. and frankly it wasn’t that noticeable anyway. she was kind of red and her eyelids looked like inner tubes, and her lips looked like they had implants. kind of sexy actually. but it wasn’t like what happened to chris reed a few years ago when he dyed his hair black. which, fortunately, was preserved on camera for us all:


chris reed before hair dye.


chris reed after hair dye.

here's chris' story about the hair dye incident:
"But yes, I am allergic to the chemical that makes the black in black hair dye. And what makes the whole thing worse is that I went to a hair salon and had chris hotz’ wife do it and she really did a number on me. I had already dyed my hair a couple times before and had small alergic reactions so I thought “it must be the cheap hair dye I am using...I will go to the salon and use the good stuff”...Well it was good and all and I blew up like balloon. Too funny. I had to go on stereoids for multiple treatments and had dandruff back ever since.The worst part (after the swelling went down) was that my head had all these blisters that proceeded to pop and clear goo would run down the back of my ears and down my neck when I was at work or chilling at home...gay. And also when I woke up in the morning I had to peel my hair off my pillow because it would stick itself on there. Ask Kali...so gay."

as chris informed me, he's "allergic to PPD ( paraphenylenediamine)." and he showed me another kid that's allergic to it too.




WHALE SLUTS
"ahoy there captain i just found a usefull bit of info on ways and thought id
pass it along ,theres this type of whale when mating after dumping its load
in his bitch the bitch will have sex with another whale but when the
following whale dumps its load the cum will completly blow the previous
whales load out of the way in order for this whale to have its line
continued , i hope that made sense i found it interesting , also get some
boards down to oz cos i want em YARR take care captain
ben lewis"

thanks ben. if you go to "cockaganda" on the whalecock website you can read a story "my whale cock" which explains just why that is.

WHALE COCKBOBS

This was sent to me by a fellow named Brian Unwin...which i just realized, does unwin mean "lose?" anyway, in iceland they eat whale. whale kabobs apparently. but why do they even bother with those little tiny slices of bell pepper. if i were making whale kabobs i'd get a fucking fence post or a sword or something and slam five pound hunks of whale on it and separate them with fucking pumpkins and watermelons and shit. then i'd sail over to norway and roast it over the flames of a burning church.

and if you read the tony hawk whalecock interview, you'll remember that tony surprisingly has actually had whale before. at a sushi joint in santa monica. which is in america. that's some under the table shit right there. that's almost like serving panda carpaccio.

JAPAN WANTS WHALE KABOBS AS WELL!

Interestingly, the sport of whaling is in the news these days. Japan's pissed, they want whale kabobs too.

"By Daisuke Wakabayashi
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (Reuters) - Japan clashed with anti-whaling nations Wednesday over its proposal to allow four of its small coastal villages to hunt whales, and postponed a decision to bring the matter to a vote.
At the International Whaling Commission's annual meeting, Japan argued that its proposal to catch minke whales should fall under the umbrella of community whaling because whaling has been part of its culture for thousands of years. Opponents say that is merely commercial whaling in disguise."

DOG WANKER


and my english friend nic powley is totally nicking my idea with his stupid ass dog wanker skateboard company. don't mess with the cock, nic...you're gonna get fucked.

HAPPY BDAY GARY


yes it was gary's 11th bday yesterday. may 29. and he spent it at the vet. no, i kid. he spent it like every other day, sleeping, eating and beating on beckett. at the beginning of the month we had grand plans for a bday celebration, but by the time yesterday rolled around with its holiday weekend hangovers, we were like, "he's a fucking cat."

a violent cat. gary has been killing now that the warm weather is upon us and the critters are giving birth and since everything in southern california seems to be on fire, there's nowhere for them to hide. except in gary's mouth. although i'll admit gary can't hold a candle to this jeff motherscratcher's trail of blood. jesus christ, jeff is a fucking machine.

http://www.whatjeffkilled.com/

i'm glad to see that someone else enjoys taking pictures of the remains of the animals their cat kills. below is a pretty typical gary kill. and this was his last kill, a few weeks ago, and it was found in a pair of tania's pants that she had left on the floor next to the bed. tania wouldn't even pretend to like the gift that gary had given her.