Thursday, August 09, 2007

SWEDISH BOARD GAMES

BARRY PISSING

I don't know anyone else but myself who is so lucky to have a bunch of random stranger friends who send me pictures of full frontal male nudity.

"Hey Dave,

I have attached a photo of my best friend.

From Luke Thompson"

GLIDING AND TURNING


Skateboarding's favorite fruitcake, Daniel Gesmer, has been hired to perform in an upcoming Cirque De Soleil production. I'm friends with Dan, so naturally I wrote him a big WHAT THE FUCK? We're currently working with Cirque on trying to do a little more than just an interview. As in some backstage filming and whatnot. "WE?" For what? Oh wouldn't you like to know.


SWEDISH VERT SKATER BOARD GAME: PENTAGO


Matthias is an odd fellow. I mean that in a good way. You wouldn’t know it, but he’s got some pretty fucked up stories. Ones you’d be surprised he’s at the center of. I think skateboarding should take a closer look at Matthias, but that's just me. Fortunately this story is fit for polite conversation, but it’s still a surprise.

We had been chatting off and on all weekend at the XGames, but as we stood next to each other at the BMX vert finals Matthias got kind of serious.

“Can I ask you a question?” he asked.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“You seem like a smart guy.”

“I fake it,” I said.

“Do you like games, Dave?” he asked. He said it kind of like he had a Swedish sex dungeon or something he wanted to lead me to.

“Uh,” kind of a strange question. “Yeah? I guess?”

“Do you have a moment?” he asked, kind of motioning over to a corner.

“Sure.”

We retreated to a corner where he produced what looked like a CD case. I was expecting handcuffs and a ball gag, but inside was a little board game. There were four squares with little divets in each that you placed marbles into. The object, he explained, was to get five in a row. It’s kind of like a fancy tic-tac-toe, but, as it turns out, with chess like strategy.

At the time, I was given to understand that he had invented the game. Which made me think, “God, skateboarding is weird. Swedish vert skater/strategy board game creator?” You can’t make that shit up. As it turns out, it was indeed invented by a Swede, just not him.

“It so easy to underestimate the game,” he wrote in an email later, “it looks just like a little easy 5 in a row game. I did that when my mom gave it to me, I thought, ‘Come on mom, i'm 30 that's a kid’s game... alright i'll play you....’ then lost 3 times in a row and i was like, "Hey hold on a sec." Then started playing with my brothers and eventually took over here. And you know the rest.”

The rest is that he approached Tony Mag, the other Swedish vert skater, with the game because Tony, unlike me, actually is a smart guy and not only enjoys games, but is good at them. They basically licensed the game from the creator in Sweden and are manufacturing it themselves and marketing it here.

“Swedish Vert Skater Board Game Topples Tony Hawk Pro Skater as Number One Game in World!”

So he gets this game out and wants me to have a go at it. I enjoy a game of chess here and there, Scrabble is a favorite, and whenever I travel I always have a Sudoku book with me. The problem at the XGames was that I was extremely hungover and, well, we were at the XGames. Worst place possible to try and pitch an idea to someone. What made it even worse was the BMX announcer. Holy shit, I’ve heard some really bad MCs in my time, but this dude was easily the worst I’ve ever heard. For one, he was Australian. I think that might be the worst accent ever. Especially when it’s SUPER AUSTRALIAN, as this fucker’s was. Everybody was “DA BEEST” and “HEESTORY” was being made left and right. Needless to say I couldn’t play Matthias’ stupid game.

Fortunately Matthias is also a smart guy and recognized the pain I was in and offered to send me one. A few days later, sure enough, I got my very own PENTAGO. It sat on the counter for about a week because every time I looked at it I heard that fucking Australian accent. Eventually it died away and I was able to open the game. And I have to admit I’m totally addicted to it now. Like chess, it is so simple, even simpler, but so complex. I even woke up the morning after my first night with it with strategy in my head. When I went to the website…

www.pentago.com

I discovered that this strategy “I invented” was already called “THE TRIPLE POWER PLAY” and it’s “the most powerful move in the game as it’s deceptive and versatile.” HA! There’s another move on there called “Monica’s Five,” named after Tony Mag’s wife who, apparently regularly employs the move with deadly results, so I’m currently trying to get them to change the name of THE TRIPLE POWER PLAY to something a little more Carnie-esque. Names I’m thinking they should use:

TOTAL CARNAGE

CARNAGE AND LIGHTNING

THE CARN CARN CARN

CUNTY CUNT CUNT 3000

SUCK THE BUTT, KOOK

AT THE LIMIT OF CLOSE TO THE GAY

No response yet from the Swedish vert skater camp.

One thing I should note here: while I’ve played the game a few dozen times, I’ve only won a handful of games. Literally. I think I’ve won less than five games. Tania is a fucking master at it. I’d like to blame it on the fact that I drink way more than she does, but I have to admit, that chick is fucking smart. It’s no fluke. Because she has a similar innate talent when it comes to chess and Scrabble. There’s a crafty little brain up in that skull of hers. One of the many reasons why I’m marrying that lady.

But I’m on a mission to beat her at that fucking game. I’m also trying to get sponsored by Pentago, but that’s second to beating Tania. When she gets home tonight, I’m going to beat her fucking ass good. (I love writing that sentence.)

“As far as the team,” Matthias said, “I can put you on flow for right now. budgets have already been made for this year.”

Typical fuckin industry bullshit.




JOLLY GOOD SHOW!
Not sure what to make of this. Russ sent it. The English are fuckin’ weird.

August 16, 2007

Police let good times roll

LEE-ON-THE-SOLENT Police are being sent skateboarding in an attempt to cultivate a “cooler” image to improve their relations with young people. Hampshire police are sending officers to workshops, attended by up to 30 youngsters aged from 12 to 16, to receive expert tuition.
The force wants one constable, three police community support officers and one sergeant to attend the two-hour, twice-weekly sessions, where they will start on a training board without wheels.
“It is a chance for police to talk to young people in a positive situation and to break down barriers. It lets the youngsters see a more human side to the police,” a police spokeswoman said. She added that a similar scheme in which police organised other activities for children in the area had cut crime by 28 per cent last year. “If they get called to another incident they will go and deal with it rather than staying there and having fun skateboarding.”

BEST PICTURE EVER

2 comments:

39judah said...

dave you can't write these things fast enough or long enough. i'll be waiting with fucking bells on, and wheres earl parkers blog?

Anonymous said...

Mr. Carnie,
You need to go straight to the source and play the real 5 in a row game, bitch. I'm talking about Pente, a game as American as big bites and child raping. Actually, both these games were bitten from the ancient chinese game of Go, but fuck it, pente's better.
Warmest Regards,
Brian Titcomb
Since Daggers can golf now, can they ride Tensors, too?