Tuesday, August 28, 2007

SAILORS BOARD ME NOW!


Nothing like sailing on the high seas with your mate(s) trolling for some whale cock.

I’m part of Jai Tanju’s little Film Por Vida project. It’s a bunch of dudes who send photos through the mail to each other. I’m the one dude on the list that doesn’t send shit to nobody, but for some reason I get a pretty serious amount of photos. I’ve enjoyed receiving every photo I’ve gotten in my mailbox, thank you to everyone, but this one is easily the best. It’s from Dave Rosenberg in Oakland and all it says on the back is, “Found this in the trash!”

MORE AT THE LIMIT OF CLOSE TO THE GAY

Speaking of faggot photos in the mail, Tobin sent me this blast from the past. Who is that faggot?

WALRUS OUT. TREE KANGAROOS AND RED PANDAS IN.


Way back when, Tremaine and everybody at Big Brother decided we should have an office walrus. There was even an ad in the magazine requesting donations. Well, walruses are soooo 1994. In my office I want a tree kangaroo (above) and a red panda (below). Dude, look at that panda, he'll fuck you the fuck up. The kangaroo just kills you with cuteness.



HARTFORD WHALERS RIP OFF PART 2

My friend Thomas noticed that Tiger Woods is simultaneously ripping off Whalecock and the Hartford Whalers with his logo. Fuckin' Woodbags...

BUCKETS

I take that back about walruses. They're cool again.

7yyyyyy6

This was the last thing Gary wrote on my computer. "7yyyyyyy6." I think it means he hates you.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

FRAULEIN OLGA

LOWENBRAU KELLER

Fraulein Tania gets her German on.

I’m a published food writer now. My friend Josh Tyson is an editor over at Dining Out magazine and while we were chatting about Thomas Keller’s restaurant in Vegas, he said, “You want to write an article about it?” I did. And they loved it. Apparently the editor said, “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” after she read it. So the following restaurant review was written by a PROFESSIONAL. Yes.

Lowenbrau Keller restaurant in Los Angeles: HOLY FUCK! Why have I never heard of this place before? Our friend Dave Peters told us about it. “It’s crazy in there,” he said. Now that we’ve been there, that’s an understatement. Apparently the owners had something to do with a Hollywood set designer. Boars heads, wine kegs, suits of armor, antlers, there’s so much shit crammed in there. But that’s just the half of it.


The chandelier above the piano. And oh that bar (right.)

The “staff” is the other part that makes this place so delightfully crazy. There’s just two of them. Two old ladies: the owner (not sure what she does, she seated us and that was that) and Fraulein Olga, the cook and waitress. I knew I was getting into something crazy when I called and I spoke with the owner. She didn’t really seem like she wanted us to come. But she grudgingly said we could come at 8:30. I hung up without even giving her a name or anything for the reservation.

We decided it would be fun to show up early. We arrived at 8. “Oh you’re lucky,” she said when we walked into the Black Forest. “There’s supposed to be a party of five, but they haven’t shown up.” Meaning if they had shown up we wouldn’t be allowed in. It was even funnier when, after we were seated, we realized there were only two other people in the whole restaurant.

After ogling at our extremely German surroundings for a few minutes, a giant hulk of a German woman arrived. I later learned this was Fraulein Olga. She told us, in a very annoyed way, that there were no menus, “I will tell you what I have.” I think there were three things to choose from: chicken schnitzel, veal schnitzel, and sausage. “And you have to hurry up.” Okay, okay. Tania took the veal, so I went for the chicken. After she poured us a couple Spaten’s, she disappeared into the kitchen to make our dinners.


Dead animals provide the light.

Tania’s father is German and she’s fiercely proud of her heritage. She explained that that wasn’t unusual at all, but typical of the Hofbrau style. Didn’t bother me. And when the food finally arrived, it was amazing. It was your typical German fare, but it was done very well.


I make funny faces.

Suddenly the party of five arrived. They were scolded. And they had an extra person. “You did not tell me it was a party of six!” she boomed at them. GASP! They don’t tolerate that kind of inaccuracy in Germany.

Tania wants her bday party there, and while it looks like a fine place to have a party, I’m not sure it would work in practice. They don’t seem to like customers. Although I left a rather handsome tip, and when we were leaving, Fraulein Olga said, “Good night. And thank you for being so generous.”

I read that the Lowenbrau Keller was one of Elvis’ favorite places to eat in LA. And it is now one of mine. Apparently it really goes off during Octoberfest. Can’t wait.


Out back in the parking lot are a bunch of movie props.


KWISTEFE

yes kwistefe is back. this one makes me want to make a tshirt that reads, "that is at the limit of close to the gay." as sean cliver said, "that describes just about everything that was ever in jackass and big brother." anyway, a letter from belgium:


Hello David,

what is by you? good?

sorry for the retard in response but i know you were not concerning
about it. I have sporadically the access to internet. It is
pleasureful that you give your news to me.

Hey, i joke hey when i say you are the gay! we are not the pink team!
(but i see the photo of you and your dick with mustard or such on the
blog somewhere...that is at the limit of close to the gay;)

That remembers to me when you send at me some Big Brother stickers and
i receive of rollerblades with the gay colors, it was such crazy laugh
(and i still have them). Every sonday, near a park where i live, the
rollerbladers come and exhibition their gayness moves and i film that
sometimes with my camera in ridicule ==> maybe i will do the "montage"
someday of the rollerbladers doing such with a Slayer background
musical.

you have not the portable phone? that is unbelievable crazy cool!
today every has the phone in their ear and they talk blablabla to the
others. and i too, so maybe i am the gay without aknowledge!

Hey you say about my brother BK. It is the bad news with him often.
He is now in the St Gilles prison: it is the tough nut to residate
there, you must believe. Sorryly enough, he does the stupid acts
without thinking. And so done he does 3 years for stealing homes and
the cars, and for the drugs he possess at the arrestation (somewhat of
cocaine). He did by example also to break a window shop to get the
bottles of beer, and all was taked on video surveillance! the idiot
thing, not? I will not elongate the other further things because the
police service has a long listing!

But hey, if not, have you listenend to the band? Maybe you do not
like. we have other songs but must record.

I read you soon.

Kwis.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

SWEDISH BOARD GAMES

BARRY PISSING

I don't know anyone else but myself who is so lucky to have a bunch of random stranger friends who send me pictures of full frontal male nudity.

"Hey Dave,

I have attached a photo of my best friend.

From Luke Thompson"

GLIDING AND TURNING


Skateboarding's favorite fruitcake, Daniel Gesmer, has been hired to perform in an upcoming Cirque De Soleil production. I'm friends with Dan, so naturally I wrote him a big WHAT THE FUCK? We're currently working with Cirque on trying to do a little more than just an interview. As in some backstage filming and whatnot. "WE?" For what? Oh wouldn't you like to know.


SWEDISH VERT SKATER BOARD GAME: PENTAGO


Matthias is an odd fellow. I mean that in a good way. You wouldn’t know it, but he’s got some pretty fucked up stories. Ones you’d be surprised he’s at the center of. I think skateboarding should take a closer look at Matthias, but that's just me. Fortunately this story is fit for polite conversation, but it’s still a surprise.

We had been chatting off and on all weekend at the XGames, but as we stood next to each other at the BMX vert finals Matthias got kind of serious.

“Can I ask you a question?” he asked.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“You seem like a smart guy.”

“I fake it,” I said.

“Do you like games, Dave?” he asked. He said it kind of like he had a Swedish sex dungeon or something he wanted to lead me to.

“Uh,” kind of a strange question. “Yeah? I guess?”

“Do you have a moment?” he asked, kind of motioning over to a corner.

“Sure.”

We retreated to a corner where he produced what looked like a CD case. I was expecting handcuffs and a ball gag, but inside was a little board game. There were four squares with little divets in each that you placed marbles into. The object, he explained, was to get five in a row. It’s kind of like a fancy tic-tac-toe, but, as it turns out, with chess like strategy.

At the time, I was given to understand that he had invented the game. Which made me think, “God, skateboarding is weird. Swedish vert skater/strategy board game creator?” You can’t make that shit up. As it turns out, it was indeed invented by a Swede, just not him.

“It so easy to underestimate the game,” he wrote in an email later, “it looks just like a little easy 5 in a row game. I did that when my mom gave it to me, I thought, ‘Come on mom, i'm 30 that's a kid’s game... alright i'll play you....’ then lost 3 times in a row and i was like, "Hey hold on a sec." Then started playing with my brothers and eventually took over here. And you know the rest.”

The rest is that he approached Tony Mag, the other Swedish vert skater, with the game because Tony, unlike me, actually is a smart guy and not only enjoys games, but is good at them. They basically licensed the game from the creator in Sweden and are manufacturing it themselves and marketing it here.

“Swedish Vert Skater Board Game Topples Tony Hawk Pro Skater as Number One Game in World!”

So he gets this game out and wants me to have a go at it. I enjoy a game of chess here and there, Scrabble is a favorite, and whenever I travel I always have a Sudoku book with me. The problem at the XGames was that I was extremely hungover and, well, we were at the XGames. Worst place possible to try and pitch an idea to someone. What made it even worse was the BMX announcer. Holy shit, I’ve heard some really bad MCs in my time, but this dude was easily the worst I’ve ever heard. For one, he was Australian. I think that might be the worst accent ever. Especially when it’s SUPER AUSTRALIAN, as this fucker’s was. Everybody was “DA BEEST” and “HEESTORY” was being made left and right. Needless to say I couldn’t play Matthias’ stupid game.

Fortunately Matthias is also a smart guy and recognized the pain I was in and offered to send me one. A few days later, sure enough, I got my very own PENTAGO. It sat on the counter for about a week because every time I looked at it I heard that fucking Australian accent. Eventually it died away and I was able to open the game. And I have to admit I’m totally addicted to it now. Like chess, it is so simple, even simpler, but so complex. I even woke up the morning after my first night with it with strategy in my head. When I went to the website…

www.pentago.com

I discovered that this strategy “I invented” was already called “THE TRIPLE POWER PLAY” and it’s “the most powerful move in the game as it’s deceptive and versatile.” HA! There’s another move on there called “Monica’s Five,” named after Tony Mag’s wife who, apparently regularly employs the move with deadly results, so I’m currently trying to get them to change the name of THE TRIPLE POWER PLAY to something a little more Carnie-esque. Names I’m thinking they should use:

TOTAL CARNAGE

CARNAGE AND LIGHTNING

THE CARN CARN CARN

CUNTY CUNT CUNT 3000

SUCK THE BUTT, KOOK

AT THE LIMIT OF CLOSE TO THE GAY

No response yet from the Swedish vert skater camp.

One thing I should note here: while I’ve played the game a few dozen times, I’ve only won a handful of games. Literally. I think I’ve won less than five games. Tania is a fucking master at it. I’d like to blame it on the fact that I drink way more than she does, but I have to admit, that chick is fucking smart. It’s no fluke. Because she has a similar innate talent when it comes to chess and Scrabble. There’s a crafty little brain up in that skull of hers. One of the many reasons why I’m marrying that lady.

But I’m on a mission to beat her at that fucking game. I’m also trying to get sponsored by Pentago, but that’s second to beating Tania. When she gets home tonight, I’m going to beat her fucking ass good. (I love writing that sentence.)

“As far as the team,” Matthias said, “I can put you on flow for right now. budgets have already been made for this year.”

Typical fuckin industry bullshit.




JOLLY GOOD SHOW!
Not sure what to make of this. Russ sent it. The English are fuckin’ weird.

August 16, 2007

Police let good times roll

LEE-ON-THE-SOLENT Police are being sent skateboarding in an attempt to cultivate a “cooler” image to improve their relations with young people. Hampshire police are sending officers to workshops, attended by up to 30 youngsters aged from 12 to 16, to receive expert tuition.
The force wants one constable, three police community support officers and one sergeant to attend the two-hour, twice-weekly sessions, where they will start on a training board without wheels.
“It is a chance for police to talk to young people in a positive situation and to break down barriers. It lets the youngsters see a more human side to the police,” a police spokeswoman said. She added that a similar scheme in which police organised other activities for children in the area had cut crime by 28 per cent last year. “If they get called to another incident they will go and deal with it rather than staying there and having fun skateboarding.”

BEST PICTURE EVER

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

ACHEY BREAKY JAKEY

IT'S ALL ABOUT BOB

“I don’t know what hurts him most,” Weiss said, “the slam, or getting robbed.”



Yeah, Jake should have won. After 13 years, ESPN was given the opportunity to do something right, but they showed once again that they just don’t get it. What an amazing story they would have had to pump on their network: underdog skater falls 45 feet, survives AND wins gold. They missed such a great opportunity by giving Bob first. Even without the sympathy points, I think Jake wins on paper.

Jake: 70’ 360 ollie to 23’ 540.
Bob: 70’ switch b/s 180 to 16’ f/s 540.

“So how much money did you have on Bob?” I asked judges Chris Miller and Tony Magnusson the next day. “Because that was retarded.”

“Hey,” Tony said, “I was the only judge that said Jake won.”

Well good for Tony Mag. But I’m disappointed in the other three judges: Chris Miller, Sasha Steinhorst and Hosoi. Apparently they couldn’t decide who won and so threw up their hands and let ESPN make the call. And of course they’re going to give it to their golden boy, Bob.

“Man, I don’t know,” Tony Hawk said when I asked him who he thought won. “I would go with Jake. The reason they gave it to Bob, and I know this, is because no one has ever done a f/s five. And whenever someone does something that hasn’t been done, they count it for so much more.”

“I didn’t think anyone had done a 360 ollie in a contest before?” I said.

“They’ve seen him do it, though, you know what I mean?” Tony said. “They hadn’t seen Bob make a f/s five. I’m just saying in the minds of the judges that’s what they were thinking. To me, a 360 ollie over 70 feet? That’s it.”

But they had also seen Bob do switch b/s 180s. Bob, in fact, warms up with a switch b/s 180. As one person observed, switch isn’t as big of a deal today as it used to be. And since the judges are all old farts who come from a time when switch didn’t exist, I think they gave it a little more merit than necessary. I know for a fact they did because I spoke with them after. Chris Miller, for one, was absolutely smitten with the switch b/s 180. I don’t want to take anything away from Bob’s run, but I, and I think most people, think Jake’s was better.

Danny Way also later said the gold should have gone to Jake. His reasoning was, “The contest is called, Big Air Contest. And Jake went bigger.”

Simple as that.

The judges told me that they weren’t allowed to factor in any outside factors: they had to choose who had the best single run. Anything beyond that didn’t count. So Jake’s 720 over the gap that he did just before the slam was ignored. Which I disagree with because he had never made that before in his life and to try it and make it in a contest situation just shows that he was going bigger than Bob. Also, they should have taken into consideration the fact that Bob got six runs to every one else’s five. Apparently he complained that he was distracted by a motorcycle during one of his earlier runs.

“This is the XGames, not Wimbledon,” a friend said when he heard that.

Pierre Luc also took a run with a motorcycle in the background, but he didn’t complain.

But, again, as Danny said, none of that should matter: Jake went bigger. And, frankly, looked better.

And after that slam, I think the gentlemanly thing to do would have been to have just ended the contest right there and given it to Jake. He was in first place. He had won. But no, Bob had to go and take his extra run and try and win it. As I’ve said, he didn’t win it, but the fact that he wanted to beat a fellow skater who had just taken one of the hardest slams ever isn’t really congruent with the spirit of skateboarding. Or even the spirit of sport, for that matter. When did “winning at all cost” creep into skateboarding?

“That’s Bob,” Gentry said. “It’s all about Bob.”

And as we all know, the XGames aren’t going to be paying Jake’s hospital bills because they don’t provide insurance for their event. So Jake will have to use the $20,000 he got for second to pay for his slam. While ESPN will continue to reap the benefit of that footage for years to come. Twenty grand’s not bad, but I’m sure he’d prefer the $60,000 that ESPN gave Bob for first. I’m not suggesting this should be a charity, but the injustice of the whole thing grows worse when you know Bob’s pretty well off, while Jake barely has a pot to piss in. What’s Bob going to do with the money, buy another mango grove, or put a yoga studio in his house?





Lastly, those theatrics at the end there, the rolling around on the ramp, holding his head, “I’m so huuuurt,” (Jake’s the one that fell out of a fucking building!)—come on, dude, leave that shit on the soccer pitch.

Jake should have won. But fortunately his injuries weren’t too bad and, while it’s a tough way to succeed, that slam is actually opening a lot of doors for him. I know a number of TV shows wanted him for interviews and apparently his sponsors are making him real offers now.

How he didn't die is astounding, though. He hit the flat so hard his fucking shoes flew off into the crowd. The fact that there's nothing wrong with him is wrong in itself. But I'm glad he's okay.

“I’ve always said that he’s had this rare condition since birth,” Weiss said. “It’s like his skull is so thick, there’s no room for a brain. He’s the literal definition of a bone head.”

Yeah Jake.

Monday, August 06, 2007

DOUCHE BAGS WITH LITTLE DICKS

HOW TO AVOID THE XGAMES

“Whoa! What are you doing here?”

“This is the last place I’d expect to see you!”

“Suck a butt kook.”

These are the things people said to me at the XGames. Yes, I went to the XGames. Kind of. Why? Because Red Bull paid me to. In hindsight, I’m not sure if it was worth it.

Nieratko’s got that energy drink company wrapped around his little finger. They sponsored his book tour, and essentially bank rolled the whole thing. They even flew him and his wife to Hawaii to do a reading at some dinky skate shop in Maui. He told them that the skate shop determines what America reads the next year.

So they asked Nieratko if he would cover the XGames for their Red Bulletin magazine thingy. Which is basically an insert in other magazines. Apparently they’ve been printing ‘em out at F1 races. They go to an F1 race, cover it, and then they have a mobile printer (it’s like a printing press in a truck, I understand?) which prints out a magazine every night. And they decided they wanted to do one for the XGames which will appear in either Happy magazine or Blisss magazine. Niether of which I’ve ever heard of, nor do I care. But Nieratko asked if I wanted help and the money wasn’t bad. Plus I want a flat screen over my fireplace.

I knew it would be bad, but I didn’t think it would be as bad as it was. And yes I was there when Jake Brown fell down and went BOOM! More on that in a minute. But aside from one lousy day at the ‘Po (that’s what we started calling the Home Depot Center where the games were held), I spent most of my time avoiding going to the XGames. Which was fine, because that’s the kind of stories these Red Bull fellas were interested in. “Taking the piss out of the XGames,” they kept saying. They, the magazine people, were English. They lived in a windowless bunker on the fourth floor of The Standard Hotel in downtown LA. Which was where we were all staying at. It felt weird packing a bag to go stay at a hotel that is, at worst, ten minutes from my house.

So instead of attending the XGames, I wiled away my time at the Standard.


getting drunk in the rooftop pool.



hanging out with the hot bitches at the pool.


and watching real sports like NASCAR in bed.

DOUCHE BAGS

There were a lot of douche bags at the XGames. I’m actually really disappointed that I didn’t spend more time documenting them. In fact I didn’t document them at all. At the time I was so revolted by them, that I didn’t think to take pictures of them. But you know that FMX (freestyle motorcross…took me forever to figure that out), Orange County kind of look? Lots of tattoos, faggy sunglasses, faggy hair and Monster Energy drink hats. If they were wearing a shirt, it was a wife beater. There were millions of them there. Just a sea of Rick Thornes.



I did take a picture of one of their vehicles, though. When I see anything this audacious on the road, the first thing I say is, “Sorry about your dick.” Any amateur psychologist will tell you that this is a penis issue. It is the result of having a little penis. And judging by the sheer number of these monsters in the parking lot, there were a lot of little dicks at the XGames. And if you don’t think this has anything to do with the owner’s penis, then why is there a scrotum hanging off the back of it?

THE EXCLUSIVE ATHLETE LOUNGE

I still get all giddy when Hosoi recognizes me. I got him to pose with Desiree Astorga and ole ever ready Eddie Reautegui.

As with every XGames I've had the displeasure of attending, I am not allowed to go anywhere. I never have the right pass for anything. I get to go in for free, but my passes never seem to get me anywhere anybody else can go. I didn’t have an “athlete’s lounge” pass apparently. Everyone else did, though. And that’s where they hung out. There was free Taco Bell in the athlete’s lounge. And it wasn’t normal Taco Bell. This was Tony Hawk Taco Bell. I had some. It was good. I was able to finagle my way in a couple times. “Nope,” they’d say. “Come on,” I’d whine, “I don’t even want to be here. I could give a shit about the athlete’s lounge, I’m just trying to find my ride home. Just let me look and see if he’s in there.” “Oh, alright.” Brian Patch complimented me on my verbal judo skills. “Jesus,” he said, “you’re good, because they don’t let anyone in here.”



And they shouldn’t, it’s like heaven in there. Famous people milling about, free Taco Bell, free pasta salad, a pool table…can you say “awesome.” They even got a secret golf course in a dark room in the corner. I found Dave “DUI” Duncan playing a round of golf. Dagger my ass. Daggers don’t need blankets and they sure as hell don’t play golf. I thought that was in the rules?

Blogging takes too long. You'll have to wait til the next post to read my inside take on the mega ramp business and to see the Swedish board game that Matthias Ringstrom created.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

THIS CHARMING BLOG


I hired this dude to write the blog today. love that look.

BILL PEPPER MAKES JUNK

Bloody baby! Yes, washed up, old pro skateboarder Bill Pepper has given birth to Tyler Dean Pepper. Congratulations Bill. That's not womb blood, by the way. That's Jake Phelps' blood. Apparently the li'l fella came flying out of Bill's vagina with fists a-flying and went straight down to the Thrasher offices and gave ole Jake another "pepper spray." Like father like son.


And I call all babies "junk" because, let's face it, babies are ugly. They're just different colored lumps of junk. When they start to look like a little person after a couple years some of them are fortunate enough to qualify as "cute." There are exceptions to the rule, of course, and Mike Mihaly's baby is one of them. I want that hair.


Since Tania and I are getting married, the baby question has come up a few times. Friends have asked the question. Tania and I are clear on our baby views. I, for instance, will regularly say under my breath, "fuckyoubaby," to any baby who happens to be near me. While we both agree that having a baby and watching it shoot poop at us would be funny for a couple years, the idea of it turning into a little brat child and then a teenager makes us puke. babies, yeah, maybe. children, no. teenagers, fuck no. we'd rather spend the money for braces on a trip to the caribbean and get fucked up. this is called FORESIGHT. Tania and I wish more people would use it. (Is that Dennis McGrath?)

YOUR ENGLISH LESSON, SIR
spot the typo:

"King Maximilian I Joseph of Bavaria spared no expense when his son Ludwig married his beloved Theresa of Saxony-Hildburghausen, and held a massive party for 40,000 guests on October 17, 1810. The climax was an 36,000-feet-horse race in a large meadow outside the town."

Because of the placement of the dashes, we have 36,000 foot tall horses racing each other? It probably would have been better to have written, "The climax was a 36,000-foot-long horse race…" Dashes attach words together. Be careful where you place them. Still, I enjoy the image. "They raced across the Atlantic, their hooves pounding the ocean floor while their noses remained safely above the violent waves…”

ERIC NEVADA'S TAPOUT: HAND TO FLUKE COMBAT

Eric Nevada created a number of devices which enabled him to leave the boat and engage a whale face to face.