Thursday, February 01, 2007

I Am Flipping You Off as Hard as I Can


I was originally going to update this once a week, but I can’t resist today. And frankly I have to admit that, much like the one time I attended a Grateful Dead concert, I can understand the attraction. And like the Dead, I didn’t say I like blogging, I just said, “I understand the attraction.” Fortunately I have a short attention span and we’ll be lucky if I really do update this at least once a week.

I’m sure most everyone has heard about the “terrorist attack” in Boston? Agents working for Aqua Teen Hunger Force hung little Ignicnoc electric posters all over various cities across the US. No one seemed to notice, or care, except in Boston where the populace FREAKED OUT! They’re still freaking out. The way they’re talking you’d think they want ATHF and Turner Broadcasting fucking drawn and quartered. They’re “retodded.” Below is what I wrote Tania this morning on the subject. (Background: Tania works in international shipping that deals specifically with fine art and for the last week a gallery in Hong Kong has been giving her a hard time. She requested that, if I had time, you know, could I blow up Hong Kong?)

“Well apparently,” I wrote, “all you have to do is hang up a couple pictures of Ignicnoc and it shuts a whole city down. I was just watching the news while eating breakfast and I finally saw the ‘suspect devices’ ATHF hung all over Boston. I guess they’re all over the place in a bunch of cities, but the fockin retaaaa’ds in Boston thought they were under attack. It basically looks like those old light toys from the 70s—what were they called? It’s like a black board and you plug little pieces of plastic in it and they glow and make pictures? Oh, Lite Brites. But the “picture” was Ignicnoc flipping you off. ‘Oh my gawwwwd, it’s a bomb!’ The guy in the news studio asked the field reporter why we didn’t freak out here in LA and the lady said, ‘Well it’s probably because we don’t walk very much here and Boston is a real walking city.’ And the studio guy just fully dissed her, ‘Well, New York and Chicago and a lot of those other cities are also big walking cities and they didn’t have any problems. Anyway, thank you Laura.’ Cut.

So go hang some Lite Brite toys around Hong Kong and if they’re as stupid as Boston, it’ll be like dropping a bomb. Too bad Truman didn’t think about that.”

I have also surmised that this might be the reason why the Boston Bruins are playing like complete crap right now. How can you concentrate on hockey when your city is being attacked by Lite Brites?


And then there’s this dude who “skates” like he’s a fucking terrorist attack. Jesus Christ. He’s kind of like the new Todd Falcon, only way gnarlier and kind of violent. Go watch this video.


My friend and photographer Jai Tanju up in San Jose began a little project called The Print Exchange. Basically him and a bunch of his dumb li’l buddies send each other stupid pictures. I happen to be one of his dumb li’l buddies. So I get sent lots of stupid pictures. At first they really were stupid. I was like, “What is this crap?” You know how when you get a roll of film back and about 2/3 of the photos are just shit and you throw them out? Well if you’re a part of the Print Exchange you are, apparently, encouraged to not throw those photos out but rather send them to strangers. I mean I don’t even know who most of these people are. But fortunately the quality has gone up recently and I’m actually receiving photos that are “of something.” Like this photo of Steve Claar at Del Mar back in the day doing a tuck knee tail pointer/switch sad plant invert. It was taken by my old friend Mark Waters. It’s awesome having two legs huh? Jason Jessee, I understand, really wanted Steve's leg. Even stranger is that Steve anticipated Jason's request and would have obliged, but the doctors wouldn't give him his leg back when he asked for it. Apparently once they amputate, it's not yours anymore. Bio hazard? More like bio bullshit.

If you like giving and receiving stupid photos, visit The Print Exchange at


Finally, there will be no updates next week because Tania and I are going on a cruise. Yeah, I know, it makes us laugh too, and that’s the point. We figured what could make for a better vacation than to be confined to a bar that’s floating in the middle of the ocean for a week? Full report when we return. I’ll surely have lots of photos of surly seniors getting busy. (Kevin Wilkins sent me the below picture. You know how The Skateboard Mag’s spines make up a skateboard related picture? I thought Captain Strubing’s bald ass head would look way better on next year's spines.)


chris riordan said...

awesome dave, you are a blogger. so am i. it's time to leave paper products alone and become beings of pure energy and light.

i still like you. a lot. too much. i'm giving whalecock a free ad in all of my magazines now that i am a publishing magnate.

Anonymous said...

A few years ago, someone wrote a fiction book about "Captain Ahab's wife." (I don't think there's a wife even mentioned in MD.) Anyway, I read a review of the book, and the writer started discussing the lives of women in 19th. Century Nantucket. A dildo was found hidden behind a chimney in some whaling captain's house. It was made out of plaster. WHO MAKES A DILDO OUT OF PLASTER???? They could have made a nice, smooth whalebone dildo. And speaking of, are you planning on offering similiar merchandise on your website in the future?

whalecockskateboards said...

ah, yes i'm aware of the book. and while i don't remember it either, apparently there is one ever so slight mention of ahab's wife. that author lady obviously thought herself oh so clever in constructing an entire world around it. i think she's stupid. that's creative writing 101 shit.

in regards to dildos, yes, we hope to have a wide array of rare and unusual products available. i know whalecock signature waders are high on the list.

Ronia said...

Great work.