PORTRAIT OF MY ASS AS AN ARTIST
I did not win the lottery last night. I have just recently started playing. I told Tania that she would be able to quit her job just after 8pm. Then the little balls came on the screen and only one of them matched the 30 I picked. I told Tania to not quit her job. And while I did not get any lottery numbers, I did get sick. Tania gave me her cold. Do you fart a lot when you're sick? Because I do. And they smell different. Assier and with a hint of medicine and chemicals. I call them sick farts. This time around, however, they have another unusual quality: they're divided in half. Every one of them is a twin fart. It goes, PHHHRRRT-PHHHRRRT. Perhaps they’re palindrome farts and my butt is saying it backwards and forwards? “PHHHRRRHHHP-PHHHRRRHHHP!”
In the year 1769, the same year Whalecock Skateboards was founded, the city of Bescia, Italy, was devastated when the Church of San Nazaro (near Venice) was struck by lightning. For some reason they had stored gunpowder in the basement and so the resulting fire ignited the 200,000 pounds of gunpowder and they had a little miniature Nagasaki. One sixth of the city was destroyed and 3,000 people were killed. I’m sure the first lesson they learned had something to do with storing gunpowder in a church basement (perhaps it later inspired Guy Fawkes?), but the lesson that went down in history was that the disaster prompted the Roman Catholic Church to finally abandon its religious objection to lightning rods on churches. Christians used to believe that lightning was God’s way of “disciplining his servants.” Or that lightning was controlled by Satan “The Prince of the Power of the Air.” Even though Ben Franklin had discovered the electrical nature of lightning in 1752, and that you could save a building by putting a lightning rod on it and grounding it, Christian folk meekly accepted the destruction that was brought upon them from the skies because they surely felt they deserved it. Until 1769.
Pretty much the same thing happened to Pat Duffy’s knee. Like the Church of San Nazaro, 200,000 pounds of gunpowder exploded in Duffy’s kneecap. Although lightning was not involved in his case. His accident was caused by Bob’s evil Mega Ramp. Not counting the 12-year-old girl that method grabbed Danny’s gap over a year ago, Duffy was the first street skater (“street dog” as he put it) to make the gap. Congratulations. Unfortunately, immediately following his momentous achievement and despite his exceptional vert skills, he hit that quarter pipe at a 100 miles and hour and launched himself out over the flat bottom. As Brian Patch once explained it to me, you’re going so fast when you hit that transition that you can’t not end up doing an 18 foot b/s air. Duffy went 18 feet high and drifted 18 feet away from the coping over the flat. (Which makes you wonder if the Prince of the Power of the Air wasn’t involved in some way?) I think the ramp is about 22 feet high? So Pat fell about 30 feet straight to flat. And that ignited the gunpowder in his knee.
Like most pro skaters, Duffy’s sponsors don’t provide health insurance and, probably because he’s a pro skater, he hasn’t provided himself with health insurance. It’s a subject that’s, sadly, usually swept under the rug in the skateboard industry, but the issue at hand here is that blown up knees are very expensive. Why his sponsors aren’t paying for the hospital bills, I have no idea? I think they’re kicking in a little? But the rest is up to Duffy. And thus they’re having a benefit party in SF for him. The proceeds go to the good doctors who put Pat’s knee back together. So go. You’ll have fun and you’ll be helping to fight the good fight against The Prince of the Power of the Air.
COCK TALK WITH PAT DUFFY
This interview and all past and future Whalecock interviews will be found in the Cockaganda section of the website. A new one will (hopefully) be posted each Wednesday. If my ass stops farting. But here's Pat Duffy on Cock Talk.
How high can you ollie/breech?
depends on the night before…uh breech?
Do you prefer fresh water or salt water?
If you were a marine creature, what would you be?
plankton so I would eventually be whale poo
If you were a whale, what kind of whale would you be?
Do you enjoy hunting whales?
what are sundays good for?
Have you ever caught a fish?
I caught a one eyed trouser trout this morning in my bathroom.
When you were fishing, did you and the other fishermen, you know, gay
is male 69 considered gaying off
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to talk to children about the whale’s enormous penis?
The barstools on Aristotle Onassis’ yacht were covered in whale cock skin. (It’s rumored that if you rubbed them right, they turned into couches!)
If you had a few yards of whale cock skin, what would you cover with it?
What did the biggest penis you’ve ever seen belong to?
Does your whale cock have a name or nickname?
What makes your cock different from other cocks?
It’s blue like a smurf's cock
If you could be any animal’s cock, what would it be?
That’s tough. Tiger cock maybe
If you could be any person’s cock, who would it belong to?
fuck ron Jeremy. does everyone say that?
what would you like to have as your Whale Cock graphic?
how bout some skulls. they’re hot right now right?
If you ran Whale Cock who would you give a pro model to?
Wises, drehobol, bokma, jake brown, Hensley, my mom
What product would you slap a Cock logo on and market to the public?