Wednesday, February 28, 2007

The Prince of the Power of the Air

I did not win the lottery last night. I have just recently started playing. I told Tania that she would be able to quit her job just after 8pm. Then the little balls came on the screen and only one of them matched the 30 I picked. I told Tania to not quit her job. And while I did not get any lottery numbers, I did get sick. Tania gave me her cold. Do you fart a lot when you're sick? Because I do. And they smell different. Assier and with a hint of medicine and chemicals. I call them sick farts. This time around, however, they have another unusual quality: they're divided in half. Every one of them is a twin fart. It goes, PHHHRRRT-PHHHRRRT. Perhaps they’re palindrome farts and my butt is saying it backwards and forwards? “PHHHRRRHHHP-PHHHRRRHHHP!”


In the year 1769, the same year Whalecock Skateboards was founded, the city of Bescia, Italy, was devastated when the Church of San Nazaro (near Venice) was struck by lightning. For some reason they had stored gunpowder in the basement and so the resulting fire ignited the 200,000 pounds of gunpowder and they had a little miniature Nagasaki. One sixth of the city was destroyed and 3,000 people were killed. I’m sure the first lesson they learned had something to do with storing gunpowder in a church basement (perhaps it later inspired Guy Fawkes?), but the lesson that went down in history was that the disaster prompted the Roman Catholic Church to finally abandon its religious objection to lightning rods on churches. Christians used to believe that lightning was God’s way of “disciplining his servants.” Or that lightning was controlled by Satan “The Prince of the Power of the Air.” Even though Ben Franklin had discovered the electrical nature of lightning in 1752, and that you could save a building by putting a lightning rod on it and grounding it, Christian folk meekly accepted the destruction that was brought upon them from the skies because they surely felt they deserved it. Until 1769.

Pretty much the same thing happened to Pat Duffy’s knee. Like the Church of San Nazaro, 200,000 pounds of gunpowder exploded in Duffy’s kneecap. Although lightning was not involved in his case. His accident was caused by Bob’s evil Mega Ramp. Not counting the 12-year-old girl that method grabbed Danny’s gap over a year ago, Duffy was the first street skater (“street dog” as he put it) to make the gap. Congratulations. Unfortunately, immediately following his momentous achievement and despite his exceptional vert skills, he hit that quarter pipe at a 100 miles and hour and launched himself out over the flat bottom. As Brian Patch once explained it to me, you’re going so fast when you hit that transition that you can’t not end up doing an 18 foot b/s air. Duffy went 18 feet high and drifted 18 feet away from the coping over the flat. (Which makes you wonder if the Prince of the Power of the Air wasn’t involved in some way?) I think the ramp is about 22 feet high? So Pat fell about 30 feet straight to flat. And that ignited the gunpowder in his knee.

Like most pro skaters, Duffy’s sponsors don’t provide health insurance and, probably because he’s a pro skater, he hasn’t provided himself with health insurance. It’s a subject that’s, sadly, usually swept under the rug in the skateboard industry, but the issue at hand here is that blown up knees are very expensive. Why his sponsors aren’t paying for the hospital bills, I have no idea? I think they’re kicking in a little? But the rest is up to Duffy. And thus they’re having a benefit party in SF for him. The proceeds go to the good doctors who put Pat’s knee back together. So go. You’ll have fun and you’ll be helping to fight the good fight against The Prince of the Power of the Air.


This interview and all past and future Whalecock interviews will be found in the Cockaganda section of the website. A new one will (hopefully) be posted each Wednesday. If my ass stops farting. But here's Pat Duffy on Cock Talk.

How high can you ollie/breech?
depends on the night before…uh breech?

Do you prefer fresh water or salt water?

If you were a marine creature, what would you be?
plankton so I would eventually be whale poo

If you were a whale, what kind of whale would you be?
um blue?

Do you enjoy hunting whales?
what are sundays good for?

Have you ever caught a fish?
I caught a one eyed trouser trout this morning in my bathroom.

When you were fishing, did you and the other fishermen, you know, gay
is male 69 considered gaying off

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to talk to children about the whale’s enormous penis?

The barstools on Aristotle Onassis’ yacht were covered in whale cock skin. (It’s rumored that if you rubbed them right, they turned into couches!)
If you had a few yards of whale cock skin, what would you cover with it?
My face

What did the biggest penis you’ve ever seen belong to?
a bull

Does your whale cock have a name or nickname?
The General

What makes your cock different from other cocks?
It’s blue like a smurf's cock

If you could be any animal’s cock, what would it be?
That’s tough. Tiger cock maybe

If you could be any person’s cock, who would it belong to?
fuck ron Jeremy. does everyone say that?

what would you like to have as your Whale Cock graphic?
how bout some skulls. they’re hot right now right?

If you ran Whale Cock who would you give a pro model to?
Wises, drehobol, bokma, jake brown, Hensley, my mom

What product would you slap a Cock logo on and market to the public?

Monday, February 26, 2007


you can now buy whalecock shit. so go to the store and buy some whalecock shit. you can call the number there, or email doug. if you'd like to email me i'm:

i've always wanted to open a mexican restaurant and call it "abierto."

i've recently been having to deal with the very unfamiliar world of hip hop and DJs. don't ask. but since my mind is there, i decided to come up with a dj name and i thought DJ FUNKULUFFAGUS would be good. it's so good i assumed it was taken. nope. and thus it's apparently not a very good dj name. like i said i am new to this. tania suggested DJ DAFF CONNIE. kind of a drunk "dave carnie." not bad, i thought, but what about DJ DAFT CONNIE? i picture an old, drunk english lady that yells at her audience while she spins. she is old and grey haired. she wears an obnoxious floral print house dress and slippers. she drinks pints of cheap gin and smokes menthols. connie is hot. i gotta get connie some turntables. then maybe we'll get altamont/melvins backup dancer tammy to go on tour.

i have only now been able to start going through my photos of our cruise. summary: in short, it was really fun and it was exactly what you'd expect to find on a cruise. a lot of old people, a lot of food and a lot of drinking. one thing we did not expect was our $800 bar tab which was more than the whole cruise itself. here's a photo of connie hanging out with a couple of the CRUISIN GRANNIES that we met on our cruise. there are two types of old people on a cruise: the really nice party grandmas, like these ladies, and the really old and bitter grandmas that hate everybody, but especially mexicans.

fortunately i didn't have to hang with a bunch of grandmas. i got to hang out with this lovely lady. this was taken by our bartender nandy. i started off trying to do the girly drink thing—you know, when in rome—but they're really gross. that's a margarita and even it was fucking disgusting. we stuck to wine, beer, martinis or whiskey.

i recently got an email from a cock fan who sent along a video of actual whalecock. you can view the video at the bottom of the WHALEJA VU section of the website. Ninian Doff (?) writes, "Hey Mr. Carnie, A lot of stills of whalecocks on your site but now finally a video of one in all its glory (as a bonus the whale is pervertwhale who's enjoying gratuitously waving it around in front of a group of school kids):

Glad you also finally acknowledged Morrissey as the best skater out there. He puts the melancholic in melon grabs. Ninian doff."

and finally dynamite surfing. perhaps you've already seen this? i'm not as quick on the internet as tania and usually see everything about the same time as everybody else in the world. and if you believe this, then you need to go look up the world "gullible" in the dictionary, because there's a picture of your face there. still, they did a good job, huh?

Thursday, February 01, 2007

I Am Flipping You Off as Hard as I Can


I was originally going to update this once a week, but I can’t resist today. And frankly I have to admit that, much like the one time I attended a Grateful Dead concert, I can understand the attraction. And like the Dead, I didn’t say I like blogging, I just said, “I understand the attraction.” Fortunately I have a short attention span and we’ll be lucky if I really do update this at least once a week.

I’m sure most everyone has heard about the “terrorist attack” in Boston? Agents working for Aqua Teen Hunger Force hung little Ignicnoc electric posters all over various cities across the US. No one seemed to notice, or care, except in Boston where the populace FREAKED OUT! They’re still freaking out. The way they’re talking you’d think they want ATHF and Turner Broadcasting fucking drawn and quartered. They’re “retodded.” Below is what I wrote Tania this morning on the subject. (Background: Tania works in international shipping that deals specifically with fine art and for the last week a gallery in Hong Kong has been giving her a hard time. She requested that, if I had time, you know, could I blow up Hong Kong?)

“Well apparently,” I wrote, “all you have to do is hang up a couple pictures of Ignicnoc and it shuts a whole city down. I was just watching the news while eating breakfast and I finally saw the ‘suspect devices’ ATHF hung all over Boston. I guess they’re all over the place in a bunch of cities, but the fockin retaaaa’ds in Boston thought they were under attack. It basically looks like those old light toys from the 70s—what were they called? It’s like a black board and you plug little pieces of plastic in it and they glow and make pictures? Oh, Lite Brites. But the “picture” was Ignicnoc flipping you off. ‘Oh my gawwwwd, it’s a bomb!’ The guy in the news studio asked the field reporter why we didn’t freak out here in LA and the lady said, ‘Well it’s probably because we don’t walk very much here and Boston is a real walking city.’ And the studio guy just fully dissed her, ‘Well, New York and Chicago and a lot of those other cities are also big walking cities and they didn’t have any problems. Anyway, thank you Laura.’ Cut.

So go hang some Lite Brite toys around Hong Kong and if they’re as stupid as Boston, it’ll be like dropping a bomb. Too bad Truman didn’t think about that.”

I have also surmised that this might be the reason why the Boston Bruins are playing like complete crap right now. How can you concentrate on hockey when your city is being attacked by Lite Brites?


And then there’s this dude who “skates” like he’s a fucking terrorist attack. Jesus Christ. He’s kind of like the new Todd Falcon, only way gnarlier and kind of violent. Go watch this video.


My friend and photographer Jai Tanju up in San Jose began a little project called The Print Exchange. Basically him and a bunch of his dumb li’l buddies send each other stupid pictures. I happen to be one of his dumb li’l buddies. So I get sent lots of stupid pictures. At first they really were stupid. I was like, “What is this crap?” You know how when you get a roll of film back and about 2/3 of the photos are just shit and you throw them out? Well if you’re a part of the Print Exchange you are, apparently, encouraged to not throw those photos out but rather send them to strangers. I mean I don’t even know who most of these people are. But fortunately the quality has gone up recently and I’m actually receiving photos that are “of something.” Like this photo of Steve Claar at Del Mar back in the day doing a tuck knee tail pointer/switch sad plant invert. It was taken by my old friend Mark Waters. It’s awesome having two legs huh? Jason Jessee, I understand, really wanted Steve's leg. Even stranger is that Steve anticipated Jason's request and would have obliged, but the doctors wouldn't give him his leg back when he asked for it. Apparently once they amputate, it's not yours anymore. Bio hazard? More like bio bullshit.

If you like giving and receiving stupid photos, visit The Print Exchange at


Finally, there will be no updates next week because Tania and I are going on a cruise. Yeah, I know, it makes us laugh too, and that’s the point. We figured what could make for a better vacation than to be confined to a bar that’s floating in the middle of the ocean for a week? Full report when we return. I’ll surely have lots of photos of surly seniors getting busy. (Kevin Wilkins sent me the below picture. You know how The Skateboard Mag’s spines make up a skateboard related picture? I thought Captain Strubing’s bald ass head would look way better on next year's spines.)