LONNIE! LONNIE! LONNIE! GET YOUR SKATEBOARD LOOK HERE!
i apologize for the absence, but russell sent me the article below, "how to buy the right clothes for each skateboard look," and i realized i don't know what skateboard look whalecock is. lonnie is confused too. i think lonnie kind of has the "unusual skater" look. it's got a little bit of the "jazzy skater" going on in there though, too? hopefully i can get my look together this weekend and we can get back to talking about the whale's enormous penis—oh no, shit! the nhl playoffs start today. fuck, i can't go shopping til after the stanley cup. oh and that also reminds me that today is the beginning of the playoff beard. as a hockey tradition, you can't touch your beard until your team is out. "well how the hell does that apply to you because you're a mess?" i know, i know. at whalecock we're rooting for ottawa, detroit and ny rangers.
HOW TO BUY THE RIGHT SKATEBOARD CLOTHES FOR EACH LOOK
Remember that fashion is an essential part of skateboarding, whether anybody wants to admit it or not. It helps show the rest of the skaters who you are and what you are about as a skater. Choose from this convenient list of stereotypical skater fashions.
The Punk Skater and the Fresh/Hip-Hop Skater
STEP 1: Shop for the punk skater look. Start with shoes. Low-top Classic Vans and Half Cab Vans are by far the most common. Chuck Taylor Converse is a possible style, as well. Almost any shoe will work for you as long as it is laced tightly and will develop holes.
STEP 2: Choose the proper pants. You have only three options: Levis 501s, Dickies or Ben Davis. Get one of each and wash them only once a year. Shorts? You're out of your mind. Socks and underwear are optional. Decide between a black, studded leather belt or no belt at all.
STEP 3: Select the right shirts. They must be tight (medium or large only) and worn. Don't have too many skating shirts (only Anti-Hero, Black Label, Spitfire and Independent); concentrate more on old rock band shirts (AC/DC, etc.) and beer shirts.
STEP 4: Pick your outerwear: hooded sweatshirts or plastic-like windbreaker jackets.
STEP 5: Accessorize: Mesh baseball hats of all types are good, preferably backwards, and you need to find a ring or a bracelet with a skull or some spikes.
STEP 6: Shop for the fresh/hip-hop skater look. Start with shoes. Anything with air or gel in them is good. ES, Circa, Axion, DC and Osiris will be your main brands, Nike or Adidas for chilling. Ankle socks only.
STEP 7: Choose the proper pants. Puffy basketball/break-away/sweatsuit pants are the dopest, and if you can't get those, very baggy jeans with a woven leather belt that hangs down once tightened will suffice. Basketball mesh shorts are good for the summer.
STEP 8: Select the right shirts. Basketball mesh jerseys, XL skateboard company and related company T-shirts.
STEP 9: Pick your outerwear: Polo or Hilfiger sweatshirts.
STEP 10: Accessorize: A tab-pull baseball hat or fitting skateboard-brand knit beanie for your head, and the optional gold chain will complete your outfit.
The Hippy/Rasta Skater and the Plain Old Skater
STEP 1: Shop for the hippy/rasta skater look. Start with shoes. I-Path is the only way to go. Any style is great. Socks should be black and pulled up, or no socks at all.
STEP 2: Choose the proper pants. Corduroys, khakis and maybe jeans (any brand for all three) are on your legs. They should be either baggy and loose over the shoes or slim-fitting and rolled up above the ankle.
STEP 3: Select the right shirts. Either skateboard company shirts, Bob Marley shirts or ones with no logos, but the T-shirt should match the style of your pants: baggy pants, baggy shirt; tight pants, tight shirt.
STEP 4: Pick your outerwear: hooded sweatshirt or button-down flannel.
STEP 5: Accessorize: A nice woven beanie with a brim, with room for your hair to grow, and a belt, either a woven cotton number that you tie (must include yellow, red and green) or a shoelace.
STEP 6: Shop for the plain old skater look. Start with the shoes - most likely DCs or Emerica.
STEP 7: Choose the proper pants. Baggy skateboard company jeans.
STEP 8: Select the right shirts. T-shirts should be skateboard company shirts only!
STEP 9: Pick your outerwear: Hooded skateboard company sweatshirts and skateboard company baseball hats are a must.
Tips & Warnings
The plain look is simple, and everybody will know you are a skater.
The Artsy, Jazzy Skater or the Unusual Skater
STEP 1: Realize that you have the most options with these skater types - you are free! If you're going for "unusual," think thrift store and floppy; you wear the same thing no matter where you are, and no one should be sure whether you skate.
STEP 2: Start with shoes. Note that for both of these types of skater the shoes can be almost any brand (although Vans are very popular), but they must always be black if you're artsy.
STEP 3: Choose the proper pants. If you're artsy, your pants should be slim-fitting and can be almost any brand (no pleats or cuffs). Pants for the unusual skater are also all over the place - jeans, cords, pleated dress pants, khakis, camouflage, whatever.
STEP 4: Select the right shirts. T-shirts will be tight, and you won't have that many skateboarding shirts. Look for old college shirts and, of course, band T-shirts. Long-sleeve shirts are great as well. Unusual skaters also aren't opposed to button-down or short-sleeve collared shirts.
STEP 5: Pick your outerwear: plain, button-down shirts (no pleats) and jackets, with hats or beanies optional. For unusual skaters, outerwear is strictly functional (North Face jackets are common), and beanies must cover a lot of your head.
Tips & Warnings
Unusual skater wannabes should remember that you care very little about fashion, so none of this advice should matter to you. Forget you even read this.