PENTAGRAMMAS AND DOLPHIN COCKS

tania and i visited the long beach aquarium last saturday. we've been trying to go for weeks, but partying, hangovers, sickness, birthdays, hockey, etc. has always sunk our chances. i was told it is better than the monterey bay aquarium. it is not. in fact we were rather astounded by how short our visit was. still it was nice for what it was. we went for business reasons. i wanted to shoot photos of whale cocks. unfortunately they don't have any whale cocks. or even whales for that matter. they did have a giant blue whale hanging from the ceiling though. i have drawn in its giant black cock.


since tania and i don't have children, i'm fond of taking pictures of other people's children. they're just so stupid.


i also found it's easier to just take pictures of the aquarium's pictures of their fish rather than try and shoot photos of the actual fish themselves. this little fucker is saying, "hi-eee! welcome to my underwater paradise!"


tania and i are big fans of retards. and what the aquarium may have lacked in exhibits, it made up for in retards. there was a whole gang of them from whittier wandering around. these two looked a lot like that dude from slingblade and i couldn't help but say, "mmm-hm, mustard and biscuits," over and over again. while i'm shooting this photo there's a tard off camera yelling, "SEA OTTUH! SEA OTTUH! SEA OTTUH!" there was only one sea otter. and all it was doing was sleeping and eating ice. which was a big let down.


then there was this guy. the word jackass has kind of lost its meaning. i was there when we came up with the name for the show. i think it was me, knoxville, tremaine and cliver. i don't remember if spike was there. and i like to believe i'm the one that originally suggested the name. the word was definitely part of our vocabulary at the time. but at the same time, i also have a memory of me poo-pooing the idea because there was a clothing company in san diego (i think?) at the time also called jackass. and they were stupid. and that's about how much value i saw in the idea: it was as brilliant as a stupid clothing company out of san diego. genius. anyway, we turned a corner and ended up in this tunnel where a large crowd was gathered around this balding man throwing his keys at the aquarium glass. the seal would try and catch the keys and in the process it was constantly bonking its nose on the glass. while everyone else was very excited to watch the seal flip and spin around underwater, tania and i grew more and more uncomfortable. "it was just wrong," tania said. "it made me really nervous because you know how you feel when someone is about to get busted?" the man continued throwing the keys much to the delight of the crowd that had gathered around him. his wife kept taking pictures. "you should be a trainer!" someone yelled out laughing. "haha! i know!" the jackass said. and he just kept throwing the keys. even let his son torment the poor animal.



here is a closeup of the seal's face. i think he wants to kill him. "give me the shiny thing, asshole!"


tania is petting a ray. i thought the rays felt like velvet, but i was later informed that they feel like boogers. they are coated with mucus.


INTERMISSION TANGENT! ray sent us this photo of some friend of his's grandma....his's? apparently she has dementia. (and perhaps i's does toos?) so instead of throwing keys or shiny objects around in front of her, they made her a PENTAGRAMMA cake. happy birthday ye olde devil!


i do not smoke pot. very often anyway. i can't even remember the last time i smoked it. but we smoked pot in the cab of my truck in the parking lot before going into the aquarium because there is absolutely no other way to enjoy the jelly fish exhibits. it's a rule. just like you don't listen to the band you're going to see the day of the show, you do not go to look at jelly fish without being stoned. "dave carnie making screen savers." -tania


and while there was no whalecock to be found, we did enjoy this poster of dolphin cock.