Tuesday, March 13, 2007



This is lonnie. lonnie is nieratko's wife's uncle. i think that's the relationship? anyway, lonnie is retarded. and thus AWESOME. he's 50 something years old, but he thinks he's four. that's when his brain froze on the tractor. he cusses all the time. he hates camping, but he loves the three stooges and the beatles. we visited him in new jersey and we went and saw batman with him. he fell asleep a few times. when he was awake he would shake his finger at the movie screen. everyone in lonnie's life has a nickname. mrs nieratko, for instance, is SEAL. her name is chrissie and no one knows where seal came from. but that's her name, seal. as in, "FUCK YOU SEAL! WASH MY WHITES!" not many people have a lonnie name. i do not. but chris nieratko just got one. it takes years to get one. and now chris is part of the family. his name is CHRISALOO. congratulations chris. i'm jealous.


Jocko's art show at the regency was, in his words, "epic." i guess the cops showed up at 6 and politely kicked everyone out. apparently one of the cops said, "you guys are lucky i just saw lords of dogtown." i consider myself lucky enough to have never seen that movie.


our friend loomis, who djs at the infamous burgundy room in hollywood, enjoys wearing a little cape. and i mean little. it's about a foot wide and six inches long. ever since i saw loomis' beautiful li'l cape, i, along with ray and tania, have been fans of little capes. i'm even writing a story that involves a little cape and in my research for the story i came upon this photo of a very large cape. it took me awhile to even notice that even without his magnificent cape, this fellow is dressed awesome.


soon after we got beckett, he developed a little voice. he is a very polite little dog, innocent and naive, much like ATHF's meatwad. although he doesn't sound like meatwad. the one thing beckett says a lot is "please." it sounds more like "plaze." beckett's personality is pretty much the opposite of tania and i's in every way. he's a christian dog. he likes slow jamz, smooth jazz and oldies. after awhile i started writing down the little conversations we would have with each other. and just like vladimir and estragon, i hope to someday see them performed on the stage. gary, of course, still hates everything, but especially this nonsense.

Opening: Beckett and David walk to center stage. Tania and Sharan are sitting off to the side at a small table drinking, smoking and observing.

DAVID: Hello Beckett.
BECKETT: Hello David.
(Pause. Beckett observes David who after a few moments pours dog food into a bowl.)
BECKETT: David, are you making me a pork chop?
DAVID: No Beckett, I’m not making you a pork chop. (placing bowl of dog food on the ground in front of Beckett.) There you go. That should hold you while we do this.
BECKETT: David. There’s dog food in my bowl.
DAVID: I know.
BECKETT: David. Please. There must be some sort of mistake. I ordered a pork chop.
DAVID: Beckett you’ve never even had a pork chop.
BECKETT: David, please, we have known each other my whole life.
DAVID: I know Beckett.
SHARAN: His whole life?
TANIA: Beckett’s whole life. The goddamn dog is only five months old.
BECKETT: David, I know you long for my luscious lips.
DAVID: No, not really Beckett. You have gross dog lips. I do not long for them.
BECKETT: David! Please!
DAVID: You do. Your lips are black and they are gross.
BECKETT: And I suppose, David, that you’re going to tell me that Tania’s lips are more luscious than mine?
DAVID: Her lips don’t have tentacles.
BECKETT: David! Please! That woman has only known us for five short months and in that short period of time she has done nothing but try to destroy the relationship we have forged. As they say, David, “When compatibility meets unbridled passion…”
DAVID: Beckett, please, you know Tania and I have been together for a long time.
BECKETT: Give me a kiss David.
DAVID: I love you Beckett, but no kisses.
BECKETT: David. Please.
DAVID: Beckett.
DAVID: Alright. One. As long as you keep that weird ass octopus thing in your mouth.
SHARAN: Does Beckett always shove his tongue way up David’s nose like that?
TANIA: Yeah.
SHARAN: Jesus. How far up does that thing go?
TANIA: I seriously think he licks his brain. Or what’s left of it.

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