Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Whalecock Interview: Tony Hawk

This week’s Whalecock interview is with the most famous cock in skateboarding, Tony Hawk. Some of you may have even seen Tony’s cock. I know I have. Remember that Trans World picture in the late 80s of Tony doing a Japan air in Del Mar’s keyhole? Tony and I sat down on the deck of the St. Mary and had a little chat over a plate of oysters and a pitcher of whale cum. Or maybe he just answered my email.

Do you prefer fresh water or salt water, Tony?
Fresh water. In fact, I'll have a Fiji because it comes in those cool square bottles.

If you were a marine creature, what would you be?
A Manatee. People love manatees as if they are the koala bears of the sea.

If you were a whale, what kind of whale would you be?
A Sperm Whale. Do I really need to explain why?

Do you enjoy hunting whales?
I never have, but I would love to hold one of those giant spears at the front of a Moby Dick boat.

Have you ever eaten whale?
Yes, really. There is a sushi place in Santa Monica and whenever we walk in the chef offers special dishes (not on the menu and not available to other guests). I've also had blowfish there.

Have you ever caught a fish? What and where?
My dad used to make me go fishing with him, so it would have been something basic off the coast of SD. My dad once caught a shark, but the line broke as he reeled it in.

When you were fishing, did you and the other fishermen, you know, gay off?
No, but I was once at a bachelor party on a fishing boat. Another boat pulled up and two strippers got off. They danced while the boat rocked, making them trip half the time. We all had lines in the water and it was really lame.

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to talk to children about the whale’s enormous penis?
Only when they see it on the Discovery Channel. Otherwise: don't ask, don't tell.

The barstools on Aristotle Onassis’ yacht were covered in whale cock skin. (It’s rumored that if you rubbed them right, they turned into couches!) If you had a few yards of whale cock skin, what would you cover with it?
My own... A whalecock condom!

If a whale attacked your genital area, but you were able to save one thing, your scrotum or your penis, which would you choose to save? (keep in mind that whatever the whale bites off is going to be flung about and batted around by the whale’s tail in the middle of the ocean.)
I have three kids, so my scrotum has had a good run already. I'll take the shaft.

What did the biggest penis you’ve ever seen belong to?
A horse

Does your whale cock have a name or nickname?
No. The idea of naming a part of your body always creeped me out.

What makes your cock different from other cocks?
Left curvature

Would you rather be a pirate, a Viking, a whaler or a navy seal?
A pirate - they seem to have the most fun when they get to their destination.

If you could be any animal’s cock, what would it be?
A dog's. You get to hide until it's time to get busy, and then your mate is stuck with you once you're inside.

If Whalecock skateboards gave you a pro model, what would you like to have as your Whale Cock graphic?
A Hawk Cock

If you ran this company, who would you give a pro model to?
Simon Woodstock. We need the humor back in our industry.

When are we going to see another ball danglin’ japan air?
When they dangle past my cargo shorts, maybe in another 20 years.

No comments: