BOOKS ABOUT LINCOLN'S DEVILED EGGS AND DEAD MICE IN THE HOUSE PANTS

DAVEY'S BOOKY
it was my idea first. when big brother died we wanted to do a coffee table book, but none of us have the time to do it and we'd never entrust it to anybody else, so the idea just kind of went away. then i thought maybe i should put out a collection of just my stuff. short stories, reviews, letter responses and shit from the mag. cliver was very encouraging about the idea. "there was some good stuff in there," he said, "but unfortunately a lot of it was probably lost on 13 year olds." i shopped it around half heartedly for a few minutes, there was some interest here and there, but it too just kind of went away. until now. a small publisher approached me about putting it out. so i am currently sifting through 14 years and 106 issues worth of big brother material. i hope to have it out this year at some point.

CHRISSIE'S BOOKY


then there's this guy. always copying me. had to have his own book out. fine. whatever. my new book about old stuff is going to be so much better. in the meantime, go to chrissie's website www.chrisnieratko.com to buy it. because if you don't buy his, you can't buy mine. and i'll pull over and give you a spanking, buster.

AHOY, ENGLANDS

if you ever go to ojai and you see an old lincoln driving around with deviled eggs on the dashboard, that's dave england


ray enjoys booing at bands and ruining photos of pretty ladies like joanna england and tania.


ray also enjoys stealing lady's coats and sunglasses. and anything else they got like beers or drugs or babies.


for breakfast ray and i enjoyed a true man's meal: leftover hot wings and deviled eggs. i farted hot fire all the way home. "I GOT HOT!"


and then the jehova witnesses came to the door. dave england shook a chicken wing at them for a little while, but he was no match for them. look at him, he's falling asleep standing up. ruby's pretending to read the label on her sippy cup even though there isn't one. "GOD. GOD. GOD. JESUS."

GARY'S MAKING PRESENTS

it's spring time. which means the mices are out. which means the hawks are in the air circling the house and gary is on a killing spree. this is his third in the last month. he comes in the house with it, let's out his weird ass low MRRRGRAXXXOOWWW, and that means, "follow me outside." which i do. then i watch him bite the mouse's head off. CRUNCH. i go back inside. gary finishes eating the mouse. then beckett brings in what's left and leaves it in the middle of the floor or on a pair of tania's house pants. i take pictures of it, then throw it away.

HOUSE PANTS
sittin' on the corner,
talkin' on my cell phone,
wearin' my house pants.

AND I WAS LIKE DOPE!

"The first Thrashers game I went to they got into a shootout. That was amazing, and they won, and I was like dope! That really made me fall all the way in love with it. I like the shootouts and everything else involved with the game. But the shootouts are the real deal. To see the guy go from one end to the other end and try to score, man! "



my head hurts just thinking about the jokes here.

i'm just wondering if i blog about hockey, will my teams lose? go ottawa. go detroit. go rangers. all three play tonight, so we'll see if my woodbag pump has any effect. I'm going to say ott/buf in the eastern conference finals and det/ana in the west.

THE VILLAGE TRANNY

this is erica. he...it...she...whatever, is like 6'5" without heels. it's glendale's one and only transvestite. whenever we see erica out, we squeal. because erica is awesome. and she plays surf guitar.

GETty OUT OF HERE!
tania and i went to the getty to see old asian ladies gawk at tim hawkinson's art.


"Guhhhhh."


"cmon, just gimme a piece of cheese...cmon?"


is it still a flask when it's bigger than a bottle?


gary?


i'm waiting for tania to bring me a glass of wine.


tania wanted to buy this. and i said NO.

DEAR GOD...

…it's me, beckett.

WHALECOCK'S LOOK?

LONNIE! LONNIE! LONNIE! GET YOUR SKATEBOARD LOOK HERE!


i apologize for the absence, but russell sent me the article below, "how to buy the right clothes for each skateboard look," and i realized i don't know what skateboard look whalecock is. lonnie is confused too. i think lonnie kind of has the "unusual skater" look. it's got a little bit of the "jazzy skater" going on in there though, too? hopefully i can get my look together this weekend and we can get back to talking about the whale's enormous penis—oh no, shit! the nhl playoffs start today. fuck, i can't go shopping til after the stanley cup. oh and that also reminds me that today is the beginning of the playoff beard. as a hockey tradition, you can't touch your beard until your team is out. "well how the hell does that apply to you because you're a mess?" i know, i know. at whalecock we're rooting for ottawa, detroit and ny rangers.


HOW TO BUY THE RIGHT SKATEBOARD CLOTHES FOR EACH LOOK

Remember that fashion is an essential part of skateboarding, whether anybody wants to admit it or not. It helps show the rest of the skaters who you are and what you are about as a skater. Choose from this convenient list of stereotypical skater fashions.

The Punk Skater and the Fresh/Hip-Hop Skater

Instructions
STEP 1: Shop for the punk skater look. Start with shoes. Low-top Classic Vans and Half Cab Vans are by far the most common. Chuck Taylor Converse is a possible style, as well. Almost any shoe will work for you as long as it is laced tightly and will develop holes.
STEP 2: Choose the proper pants. You have only three options: Levis 501s, Dickies or Ben Davis. Get one of each and wash them only once a year. Shorts? You're out of your mind. Socks and underwear are optional. Decide between a black, studded leather belt or no belt at all.
STEP 3: Select the right shirts. They must be tight (medium or large only) and worn. Don't have too many skating shirts (only Anti-Hero, Black Label, Spitfire and Independent); concentrate more on old rock band shirts (AC/DC, etc.) and beer shirts.
STEP 4: Pick your outerwear: hooded sweatshirts or plastic-like windbreaker jackets.
STEP 5: Accessorize: Mesh baseball hats of all types are good, preferably backwards, and you need to find a ring or a bracelet with a skull or some spikes.
STEP 6: Shop for the fresh/hip-hop skater look. Start with shoes. Anything with air or gel in them is good. ES, Circa, Axion, DC and Osiris will be your main brands, Nike or Adidas for chilling. Ankle socks only.
STEP 7: Choose the proper pants. Puffy basketball/break-away/sweatsuit pants are the dopest, and if you can't get those, very baggy jeans with a woven leather belt that hangs down once tightened will suffice. Basketball mesh shorts are good for the summer.
STEP 8: Select the right shirts. Basketball mesh jerseys, XL skateboard company and related company T-shirts.
STEP 9: Pick your outerwear: Polo or Hilfiger sweatshirts.
STEP 10: Accessorize: A tab-pull baseball hat or fitting skateboard-brand knit beanie for your head, and the optional gold chain will complete your outfit.

The Hippy/Rasta Skater and the Plain Old Skater

Instructions
STEP 1: Shop for the hippy/rasta skater look. Start with shoes. I-Path is the only way to go. Any style is great. Socks should be black and pulled up, or no socks at all.
STEP 2: Choose the proper pants. Corduroys, khakis and maybe jeans (any brand for all three) are on your legs. They should be either baggy and loose over the shoes or slim-fitting and rolled up above the ankle.
STEP 3: Select the right shirts. Either skateboard company shirts, Bob Marley shirts or ones with no logos, but the T-shirt should match the style of your pants: baggy pants, baggy shirt; tight pants, tight shirt.
STEP 4: Pick your outerwear: hooded sweatshirt or button-down flannel.
STEP 5: Accessorize: A nice woven beanie with a brim, with room for your hair to grow, and a belt, either a woven cotton number that you tie (must include yellow, red and green) or a shoelace.
STEP 6: Shop for the plain old skater look. Start with the shoes - most likely DCs or Emerica.
STEP 7: Choose the proper pants. Baggy skateboard company jeans.
STEP 8: Select the right shirts. T-shirts should be skateboard company shirts only!
STEP 9: Pick your outerwear: Hooded skateboard company sweatshirts and skateboard company baseball hats are a must.



Tips & Warnings

The plain look is simple, and everybody will know you are a skater.



The Artsy, Jazzy Skater or the Unusual Skater

Instructions

STEP 1: Realize that you have the most options with these skater types - you are free! If you're going for "unusual," think thrift store and floppy; you wear the same thing no matter where you are, and no one should be sure whether you skate.
STEP 2: Start with shoes. Note that for both of these types of skater the shoes can be almost any brand (although Vans are very popular), but they must always be black if you're artsy.
STEP 3: Choose the proper pants. If you're artsy, your pants should be slim-fitting and can be almost any brand (no pleats or cuffs). Pants for the unusual skater are also all over the place - jeans, cords, pleated dress pants, khakis, camouflage, whatever.
STEP 4: Select the right shirts. T-shirts will be tight, and you won't have that many skateboarding shirts. Look for old college shirts and, of course, band T-shirts. Long-sleeve shirts are great as well. Unusual skaters also aren't opposed to button-down or short-sleeve collared shirts.
STEP 5: Pick your outerwear: plain, button-down shirts (no pleats) and jackets, with hats or beanies optional. For unusual skaters, outerwear is strictly functional (North Face jackets are common), and beanies must cover a lot of your head.

Tips & Warnings

Unusual skater wannabes should remember that you care very little about fashion, so none of this advice should matter to you. Forget you even read this.