Monday, June 25, 2007
The whale was created by God. Or an ostrich. Perhaps God was ordered by an ostrich to create whales. Did God create the ostrich to boss him around? That’s a bit masochistic isn’t it? Or is the ostrich God, and God is just its puppet? A clumsy flightless bird that buries its head in the sand created everything? That actually makes more sense. That would make it an OZtrich, then, wouldn’t it? The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghoztrich. It doesn’t much matter. There are whales.
And Eric Nevada—who was also created by God, or an ostrich, it doesn’t much matter—was born to hunt them.
at 4:48 PM
Thursday, June 21, 2007
i have bad news for you: you're going to die. because the world is coming to an end. bill weiss is having a baby. pat duffy is having a baby. and mike crum already had a dang baby. if that's not enough to harsh your mellow, dave carnie is getting married to tania. are you ready for the bad news? i created a second blog to document the deed. yes, i am the not-so-proud owner of two blogs. you know what kind of people have two blogs? faggots.
click on the title above or go to http://bozomonkeybear3.blogspot.com/
DADDY!!! (and yes i'm the mother of pat's baby. only two months and it's really showing. oh it just kicked! i already need a bigger bra. pickle? anybody got a pickle? pickle pepper pomegranate parsnip pizza! PLAZE!)
at 11:43 AM
Thursday, June 07, 2007
i would never disrespect the cup in any way, but there's a part of me that wants to jump over the glass (like that dude that tried to bum rush the pope) and poop in the cup while they're posing for this picture...sorry, i'm still very upset about last night's loss.
i have no comment on last night's anaheim win except to say that it's always nice to have a new name on the stanley cup. first california team ever! i would have preferred one of the other two, but oh well. and thanks to ottawa's ineptitude, my name will, once again, not be adorning our gentleman's beer drinking club cup this year. i take solace in the fact that it is on there once: detroit 2001. almost got on again, but instead jason scribner's anaheim ducks did it last night. congratulations to jason. he is now responsible for throwing the gentleman's party and "there better be a keg, meat, ice cream and it better be fun." those are the rules.
and thanks to the site below, i'm happy to inform you that it would take roughly 2,940 hockey pucks to equal the weight of one right whale's testicle.
this is jason. he won our gentleman's hockey club. in this picture, the ducks have just won and he's celebrating. i'm no doubt at my house throwing plates. he also grew a really weird playoff "beard." he looks like a gross porno star.
since he won, he shaved off his "beard." looks much better. not creepy at all. totally not creepy. makes you want to poop in his mouth, huh? or ram 2,940 pucks up his ass.
PROFILERS BE PROFILIN'
tania’s face blew up a couple days ago. tania, apparently, is allergic to lychee nuts. and specifically profilin.
“CONCLUSION: Lychee fruit contains a significant amount of profilin. Consumption of this exotic fruit can cause severe anaphylactic reactions in patients being sensitized against the plant pan-allergen profilin.”
yeah i don’t know what half those words are either. tania wanted a “weird snack,” the other day so she came home from the fancy grocery store with some weird ass fruit. "they’re lychee nuts," she said. i tried one. i admire andrew zimmerman. he's given me the courage to put just about anything in my mouth. [insert your joke here].
inside a lychee nut (or fruit, we're not sure) it kind of looks like an eyeball. it's white, viscuous pulp surrounding a large nut/seed, not unlike an avacoda pit. so we had a couple. they're not bad. it's an unusual taste, but it's pleasant. i had one, tania had two. but the next day, she took the rest to work and had like six of them or something. and that's when she blew up. i always answer her calls, but i was right in the middle of remodeling our bathroom and wrestling with the subfloor when the phone blew up. "fuck, what the hell is so important?"
so some coworkers drove her to an urgent care where i met her and found my li’l baby not so little anymore. she was all puffy. and itchy. and a different color. i brought my camera to take pictures, but she forbid it. and frankly it wasn’t that noticeable anyway. she was kind of red and her eyelids looked like inner tubes, and her lips looked like they had implants. kind of sexy actually. but it wasn’t like what happened to chris reed a few years ago when he dyed his hair black. which, fortunately, was preserved on camera for us all:
chris reed before hair dye.
chris reed after hair dye.
here's chris' story about the hair dye incident:
"But yes, I am allergic to the chemical that makes the black in black hair dye. And what makes the whole thing worse is that I went to a hair salon and had chris hotz’ wife do it and she really did a number on me. I had already dyed my hair a couple times before and had small alergic reactions so I thought “it must be the cheap hair dye I am using...I will go to the salon and use the good stuff”...Well it was good and all and I blew up like balloon. Too funny. I had to go on stereoids for multiple treatments and had dandruff back ever since.The worst part (after the swelling went down) was that my head had all these blisters that proceeded to pop and clear goo would run down the back of my ears and down my neck when I was at work or chilling at home...gay. And also when I woke up in the morning I had to peel my hair off my pillow because it would stick itself on there. Ask Kali...so gay."
as chris informed me, he's "allergic to PPD ( paraphenylenediamine)." and he showed me another kid that's allergic to it too.
"ahoy there captain i just found a usefull bit of info on ways and thought id
pass it along ,theres this type of whale when mating after dumping its load
in his bitch the bitch will have sex with another whale but when the
following whale dumps its load the cum will completly blow the previous
whales load out of the way in order for this whale to have its line
continued , i hope that made sense i found it interesting , also get some
boards down to oz cos i want em YARR take care captain
thanks ben. if you go to "cockaganda" on the whalecock website you can read a story "my whale cock" which explains just why that is.
at 12:39 AM