THIS CHARMING BLOG

I hired this dude to write the blog today. love that look.

BILL PEPPER MAKES JUNK

Bloody baby! Yes, washed up, old pro skateboarder Bill Pepper has given birth to Tyler Dean Pepper. Congratulations Bill. That's not womb blood, by the way. That's Jake Phelps' blood. Apparently the li'l fella came flying out of Bill's vagina with fists a-flying and went straight down to the Thrasher offices and gave ole Jake another "pepper spray." Like father like son.


And I call all babies "junk" because, let's face it, babies are ugly. They're just different colored lumps of junk. When they start to look like a little person after a couple years some of them are fortunate enough to qualify as "cute." There are exceptions to the rule, of course, and Mike Mihaly's baby is one of them. I want that hair.


Since Tania and I are getting married, the baby question has come up a few times. Friends have asked the question. Tania and I are clear on our baby views. I, for instance, will regularly say under my breath, "fuckyoubaby," to any baby who happens to be near me. While we both agree that having a baby and watching it shoot poop at us would be funny for a couple years, the idea of it turning into a little brat child and then a teenager makes us puke. babies, yeah, maybe. children, no. teenagers, fuck no. we'd rather spend the money for braces on a trip to the caribbean and get fucked up. this is called FORESIGHT. Tania and I wish more people would use it. (Is that Dennis McGrath?)

YOUR ENGLISH LESSON, SIR
spot the typo:

"King Maximilian I Joseph of Bavaria spared no expense when his son Ludwig married his beloved Theresa of Saxony-Hildburghausen, and held a massive party for 40,000 guests on October 17, 1810. The climax was an 36,000-feet-horse race in a large meadow outside the town."

Because of the placement of the dashes, we have 36,000 foot tall horses racing each other? It probably would have been better to have written, "The climax was a 36,000-foot-long horse race…" Dashes attach words together. Be careful where you place them. Still, I enjoy the image. "They raced across the Atlantic, their hooves pounding the ocean floor while their noses remained safely above the violent waves…”

ERIC NEVADA'S TAPOUT: HAND TO FLUKE COMBAT

Eric Nevada created a number of devices which enabled him to leave the boat and engage a whale face to face.

LIMITED EDITION, ERIC NEVADA REPLICA FLASK

In addition to being one of the greatest whalers in history, Eric Nevada was also a prolific drinker. He could drink for months at a time and never get sick or hungover. Needless to say, he never lost a drinking contest. His intake was astounding. It’s rumored he once challenged the Hoover Dam to a drinking contest…and won. After Eric toured the Bushmill distillery in Ireland, there wasn’t a drop of whiskey left in a single oak cask. It was five years before the world would see a drop of Irish whiskey again.

Big cocks require big flasks. Whalecock skateboards is proud to present an authentic replica of the giant, stainless steel flask Eric used to carry in his back pocket. It holds up to a gallon of your favorite beverage. A mere shot for Eric, but certainly more than enough for you and your friends. It comes embossed with the famous Whalecock W logo, and can be monogrammed as well. $198.00

The Casino in the Whale

In his childhood and despite his Parents’ objections, Eric enjoyed Whaling with the Negroes well into the wee hours of the morning. Their influence can be seen throughout his long and storied career. He was enamored, for instance, with Casino carpets and insisted that no ship under his charge be without a bright, obnoxiously patterned deck from starboard to port, bow to stern. Being fourth mate, I was given the task before our last voyage of riding into town and securing 400 yards of carpet. The samples Eric provided are shewn below.


Eric ended up disliking this one and used it in the brig.


There are drawings in his journals of the hollowed remains of a sperm whale converted into a casino with this pattern on the floor. "The Jonas Casino" was actually begun on indian land in western Massachussets, but the project was abandoned almost as soon as it began. When asked why the construction of the whale casino was never completed, he replied, "Fifteen tables aint enough to shit on."


He once confided in me when he was in a drunken stupor that this pattern reminded him of his boyhood negro friend Shem. His eyes welled with tears.


Eric said he was fond of this pattern because it made him mad. A condition conducive to whaling. He would often take a bottle of tequila and a sample of this carpet and retire to his cabin for hours. When he emerged, it was best to get out of his way. If you were unfortunate enough to be in his path, there was no torture his twisted mind couldn't imagine inflicting upon your person.

ERIC NEVADA

The whale was created by God. Or an ostrich. Perhaps God was ordered by an ostrich to create whales. Did God create the ostrich to boss him around? That’s a bit masochistic isn’t it? Or is the ostrich God, and God is just its puppet? A clumsy flightless bird that buries its head in the sand created everything? That actually makes more sense. That would make it an OZtrich, then, wouldn’t it? The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghoztrich. It doesn’t much matter. There are whales.


And Eric Nevada—who was also created by God, or an ostrich, it doesn’t much matter—was born to hunt them.

BOZO MONKEY BEAR THE THIRD

i have bad news for you: you're going to die. because the world is coming to an end. bill weiss is having a baby. pat duffy is having a baby. and mike crum already had a dang baby. if that's not enough to harsh your mellow, dave carnie is getting married to tania. are you ready for the bad news? i created a second blog to document the deed. yes, i am the not-so-proud owner of two blogs. you know what kind of people have two blogs? faggots.

click on the title above or go to http://bozomonkeybear3.blogspot.com/



DADDY!!! (and yes i'm the mother of pat's baby. only two months and it's really showing. oh it just kicked! i already need a bigger bra. pickle? anybody got a pickle? pickle pepper pomegranate parsnip pizza! PLAZE!)

HOCKEY COCKS

i would never disrespect the cup in any way, but there's a part of me that wants to jump over the glass (like that dude that tried to bum rush the pope) and poop in the cup while they're posing for this picture...sorry, i'm still very upset about last night's loss.

i have no comment on last night's anaheim win except to say that it's always nice to have a new name on the stanley cup. first california team ever! i would have preferred one of the other two, but oh well. and thanks to ottawa's ineptitude, my name will, once again, not be adorning our gentleman's beer drinking club cup this year. i take solace in the fact that it is on there once: detroit 2001. almost got on again, but instead jason scribner's anaheim ducks did it last night. congratulations to jason. he is now responsible for throwing the gentleman's party and "there better be a keg, meat, ice cream and it better be fun." those are the rules.

and thanks to the site below, i'm happy to inform you that it would take roughly 2,940 hockey pucks to equal the weight of one right whale's testicle.

http://www.weirdconverter.com/weight.php


THE WEINER


this is jason. he won our gentleman's hockey club. in this picture, the ducks have just won and he's celebrating. i'm no doubt at my house throwing plates. he also grew a really weird playoff "beard." he looks like a gross porno star.



since he won, he shaved off his "beard." looks much better. not creepy at all. totally not creepy. makes you want to poop in his mouth, huh? or ram 2,940 pucks up his ass.

PROFILERS BE PROFILIN'
tania’s face blew up a couple days ago. tania, apparently, is allergic to lychee nuts. and specifically profilin.

“CONCLUSION: Lychee fruit contains a significant amount of profilin. Consumption of this exotic fruit can cause severe anaphylactic reactions in patients being sensitized against the plant pan-allergen profilin.”



yeah i don’t know what half those words are either. tania wanted a “weird snack,” the other day so she came home from the fancy grocery store with some weird ass fruit. "they’re lychee nuts," she said. i tried one. i admire andrew zimmerman. he's given me the courage to put just about anything in my mouth. [insert your joke here].

inside a lychee nut (or fruit, we're not sure) it kind of looks like an eyeball. it's white, viscuous pulp surrounding a large nut/seed, not unlike an avacoda pit. so we had a couple. they're not bad. it's an unusual taste, but it's pleasant. i had one, tania had two. but the next day, she took the rest to work and had like six of them or something. and that's when she blew up. i always answer her calls, but i was right in the middle of remodeling our bathroom and wrestling with the subfloor when the phone blew up. "fuck, what the hell is so important?"

so some coworkers drove her to an urgent care where i met her and found my li’l baby not so little anymore. she was all puffy. and itchy. and a different color. i brought my camera to take pictures, but she forbid it. and frankly it wasn’t that noticeable anyway. she was kind of red and her eyelids looked like inner tubes, and her lips looked like they had implants. kind of sexy actually. but it wasn’t like what happened to chris reed a few years ago when he dyed his hair black. which, fortunately, was preserved on camera for us all:


chris reed before hair dye.


chris reed after hair dye.

here's chris' story about the hair dye incident:
"But yes, I am allergic to the chemical that makes the black in black hair dye. And what makes the whole thing worse is that I went to a hair salon and had chris hotz’ wife do it and she really did a number on me. I had already dyed my hair a couple times before and had small alergic reactions so I thought “it must be the cheap hair dye I am using...I will go to the salon and use the good stuff”...Well it was good and all and I blew up like balloon. Too funny. I had to go on stereoids for multiple treatments and had dandruff back ever since.The worst part (after the swelling went down) was that my head had all these blisters that proceeded to pop and clear goo would run down the back of my ears and down my neck when I was at work or chilling at home...gay. And also when I woke up in the morning I had to peel my hair off my pillow because it would stick itself on there. Ask Kali...so gay."

as chris informed me, he's "allergic to PPD ( paraphenylenediamine)." and he showed me another kid that's allergic to it too.




WHALE SLUTS
"ahoy there captain i just found a usefull bit of info on ways and thought id
pass it along ,theres this type of whale when mating after dumping its load
in his bitch the bitch will have sex with another whale but when the
following whale dumps its load the cum will completly blow the previous
whales load out of the way in order for this whale to have its line
continued , i hope that made sense i found it interesting , also get some
boards down to oz cos i want em YARR take care captain
ben lewis"

thanks ben. if you go to "cockaganda" on the whalecock website you can read a story "my whale cock" which explains just why that is.

WHALE COCKBOBS

This was sent to me by a fellow named Brian Unwin...which i just realized, does unwin mean "lose?" anyway, in iceland they eat whale. whale kabobs apparently. but why do they even bother with those little tiny slices of bell pepper. if i were making whale kabobs i'd get a fucking fence post or a sword or something and slam five pound hunks of whale on it and separate them with fucking pumpkins and watermelons and shit. then i'd sail over to norway and roast it over the flames of a burning church.

and if you read the tony hawk whalecock interview, you'll remember that tony surprisingly has actually had whale before. at a sushi joint in santa monica. which is in america. that's some under the table shit right there. that's almost like serving panda carpaccio.

JAPAN WANTS WHALE KABOBS AS WELL!

Interestingly, the sport of whaling is in the news these days. Japan's pissed, they want whale kabobs too.

"By Daisuke Wakabayashi
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (Reuters) - Japan clashed with anti-whaling nations Wednesday over its proposal to allow four of its small coastal villages to hunt whales, and postponed a decision to bring the matter to a vote.
At the International Whaling Commission's annual meeting, Japan argued that its proposal to catch minke whales should fall under the umbrella of community whaling because whaling has been part of its culture for thousands of years. Opponents say that is merely commercial whaling in disguise."

DOG WANKER


and my english friend nic powley is totally nicking my idea with his stupid ass dog wanker skateboard company. don't mess with the cock, nic...you're gonna get fucked.

HAPPY BDAY GARY


yes it was gary's 11th bday yesterday. may 29. and he spent it at the vet. no, i kid. he spent it like every other day, sleeping, eating and beating on beckett. at the beginning of the month we had grand plans for a bday celebration, but by the time yesterday rolled around with its holiday weekend hangovers, we were like, "he's a fucking cat."

a violent cat. gary has been killing now that the warm weather is upon us and the critters are giving birth and since everything in southern california seems to be on fire, there's nowhere for them to hide. except in gary's mouth. although i'll admit gary can't hold a candle to this jeff motherscratcher's trail of blood. jesus christ, jeff is a fucking machine.

http://www.whatjeffkilled.com/

i'm glad to see that someone else enjoys taking pictures of the remains of the animals their cat kills. below is a pretty typical gary kill. and this was his last kill, a few weeks ago, and it was found in a pair of tania's pants that she had left on the floor next to the bed. tania wouldn't even pretend to like the gift that gary had given her.

SADLANDS CARNLANDS

CARNLAND
so i just interviewed kris markovich and we were getting all sentimental about skateboarding and i was like, "yeah, i’m going to go skate when i get off the phone with you on my little quarter pipe which i’ve hardly even ridden." “I’M GONNA SESSION!” i even put on my li’l anti-dislocated shoulder bra thing.



every thing started off alright. i was riding my li’l whalecock liquor store board, just doing pivots, i even tried a sweeper and a couple f/s rocks. smacked my tail on the curb out in the street a couple times. but then i tried to do a f/s pivot. i kind of committed to getting into it a little too early and i was still below coping so the board went SWOOOOP! and i was practically horizontal in the air. all i could think was, “my shoulder...hospital...” and then, BAM! i hit the cement floor hard.

the first thing i dimly realized was how much heavier i am now. then i realized, "hey my arm is still in the socket." and then, "but my elbow isn’t. WAIT MY ELBOW ISN’T?" i’m kidding. my elbow is fine, although i slammed on it so hard i think i’ll have a nice swellbow. and as i lay there watching my board shoot out into the street and hit the neighbor’s parked car, i thought, “i just slammed.” and i smiled.

suffice it to say i’m back inside at the computer where it’s safe.

SHAMU LAND

other news. did anyone know that sea world used to be a skate park? or it’s where they moved sadlands to?





when tania and i came upon it, i was like, “OOHHHH MY GAAAWWWWWD!” we were in a hurry to get churro’s or see sharks or something, so tania was all, “who cares?” i was like, “BUT LOOK AT IT! HOLY SHIT, THAT’S AWESOME.” and of course tania is always the voice of reason. she said, “well what are you going to do? skate it? do you have a skateboard? and even if you did, you think they’d let you skate it? come on, let’s go.”

“but i can imaginary skate it?”

“LET’S GO!”

she really wanted a churro. look at that shit though. it’s the empty pond at the base of that big ole spinning tower if you're familiar with the sea world amusement park grounds. actually i think you can see that tower from downtown san diego. anyway, i think it’s a permission pool. the owner's cool if you just bring a 12 pack of fish.

[upcoming photos of whale shit and seal shit from our sea world adventure. also "the greatest captive wildlife photographer in the world."]

MOBY DICK

russ sent this link to a pretty cool moby dick related project.

http://web.futureofthebook.org/itinplace/archives/2007/05/moby_welles.html

WEINER GETS SNAKED by dave england

THERE'S MORE TO BLOGS THAN BOOKS YOU KNOW?

BUT NOT MUCH MORE, NOT MUCH MORE



another goddamn skateboard book. except this one is by my bros jai and ballard. i know we're bros because they asked me to write the intro for it for free and i did. that's what bros do for each other. after you get done buying nieratko's book, you should buy this book. here are some photos from the opening party at that place that everybody has art shows and shit at in la.


the bros, ballard, jai and me. my smile is weird. i need to work on that.


you know what? fuck it. i don't feel like posting the other photos. this shit takes too long. just imagine a bunch of drunk skaters in a room with pictures of drunk skaters on the walls. and sheldon outside pissing on the wall.


BUDDY FART


apparently heather still isn't drinking, but she decided to commemorate the heather that used to drink with a drunk ass hubdur tattoo on her...is that her arm?


and dave england reduced me to one nostril. he likes to call it a carnostril.

"OH HE'S FINE. YEAH HE'S DOING GOOD."

"grandpa switchblades," as we've been calling gary of late, is doing fine. i had to take him to the vet after a friend noticed a lump on the back of his neck and said, "my cat died of cancer. and it started like this." WELL SHIT! but the vet just told me what i thought all along: battle scar. make sure to mark "may 29" on your calendars, as it's gary's 11th birthday. my calendar already has may 29th on it. i always try to buy calendars that have all the dates in them.

BAD ASS


skateboarding? haha. kid's stuff. try tackling a fucking whale.

BOOKS ABOUT LINCOLN'S DEVILED EGGS AND DEAD MICE IN THE HOUSE PANTS

DAVEY'S BOOKY
it was my idea first. when big brother died we wanted to do a coffee table book, but none of us have the time to do it and we'd never entrust it to anybody else, so the idea just kind of went away. then i thought maybe i should put out a collection of just my stuff. short stories, reviews, letter responses and shit from the mag. cliver was very encouraging about the idea. "there was some good stuff in there," he said, "but unfortunately a lot of it was probably lost on 13 year olds." i shopped it around half heartedly for a few minutes, there was some interest here and there, but it too just kind of went away. until now. a small publisher approached me about putting it out. so i am currently sifting through 14 years and 106 issues worth of big brother material. i hope to have it out this year at some point.

CHRISSIE'S BOOKY


then there's this guy. always copying me. had to have his own book out. fine. whatever. my new book about old stuff is going to be so much better. in the meantime, go to chrissie's website www.chrisnieratko.com to buy it. because if you don't buy his, you can't buy mine. and i'll pull over and give you a spanking, buster.

AHOY, ENGLANDS

if you ever go to ojai and you see an old lincoln driving around with deviled eggs on the dashboard, that's dave england


ray enjoys booing at bands and ruining photos of pretty ladies like joanna england and tania.


ray also enjoys stealing lady's coats and sunglasses. and anything else they got like beers or drugs or babies.


for breakfast ray and i enjoyed a true man's meal: leftover hot wings and deviled eggs. i farted hot fire all the way home. "I GOT HOT!"


and then the jehova witnesses came to the door. dave england shook a chicken wing at them for a little while, but he was no match for them. look at him, he's falling asleep standing up. ruby's pretending to read the label on her sippy cup even though there isn't one. "GOD. GOD. GOD. JESUS."

GARY'S MAKING PRESENTS

it's spring time. which means the mices are out. which means the hawks are in the air circling the house and gary is on a killing spree. this is his third in the last month. he comes in the house with it, let's out his weird ass low MRRRGRAXXXOOWWW, and that means, "follow me outside." which i do. then i watch him bite the mouse's head off. CRUNCH. i go back inside. gary finishes eating the mouse. then beckett brings in what's left and leaves it in the middle of the floor or on a pair of tania's house pants. i take pictures of it, then throw it away.

HOUSE PANTS
sittin' on the corner,
talkin' on my cell phone,
wearin' my house pants.

AND I WAS LIKE DOPE!

"The first Thrashers game I went to they got into a shootout. That was amazing, and they won, and I was like dope! That really made me fall all the way in love with it. I like the shootouts and everything else involved with the game. But the shootouts are the real deal. To see the guy go from one end to the other end and try to score, man! "



my head hurts just thinking about the jokes here.

i'm just wondering if i blog about hockey, will my teams lose? go ottawa. go detroit. go rangers. all three play tonight, so we'll see if my woodbag pump has any effect. I'm going to say ott/buf in the eastern conference finals and det/ana in the west.

THE VILLAGE TRANNY

this is erica. he...it...she...whatever, is like 6'5" without heels. it's glendale's one and only transvestite. whenever we see erica out, we squeal. because erica is awesome. and she plays surf guitar.

GETty OUT OF HERE!
tania and i went to the getty to see old asian ladies gawk at tim hawkinson's art.


"Guhhhhh."


"cmon, just gimme a piece of cheese...cmon?"


is it still a flask when it's bigger than a bottle?


gary?


i'm waiting for tania to bring me a glass of wine.


tania wanted to buy this. and i said NO.

DEAR GOD...

…it's me, beckett.