Wednesday, March 21, 2007



one: the roll-in. bob's isn't as bad as previous mega ramps that have all relied on a 200 story, 80 degree drop in, but the result is the same: YOU GO DUMB FAST. as clyde would say.

two: the take off. apparently, by the time you get to this point, you're going somewhere around 50mph. which seems way too fast (for a pussy like me), yet at the same time doesn't seem fast enough to make this gap. i don't know if it translates in this picture, but it's a lot further than i had previously thought. and on bob's the landing is actually higher than the take off, so you're launching at a wall. i was told this makes the landing a little softer and smoother. or "the slam" as it would be in my case.

i opted not to skate the mega ramp. instead i sucked on bob's fruity balls.


i just finished cradle to cradle by william mcdonough. very interesting book about design, sustainability and other hippie shit. one of the premises is that recycling is all fine and good, but it amounts to nothing more than being "less bad." most recycling, paper for instance, amounts to nothing more than a delay in the material's journey to a landfill. and in the case of paper, a lot of energy and chemicals are used in the recycling process. so this book and all of its pages are made out of space age polymers and resins. it's plastic basically. no trees, no paper. and thus waterproof. and when we're done with it, it can be melted down and the materials (which contain no carcinogens or harmful chemicals) can be used to create another book. which can, in turn, also be melted down and recycled into yet another book without any reduction in quality. interesting stuff, but will it go the way of the tofu dog?


david yow's new band QUI opened for big business at our local eagle rock bowling alley. while i really enjoy qui and their music, i'm most happy when david does a jesus lizard song.

dale crover was there as well and he got up on stage with coady and jared of big business to knock out a couple songs.

jared, skot from 400 blows and pat duffy outside the bowling alley where the dirty smokers hang out. i don't know who the fellow on the left is. but he is the closest to chinese food.


nieratko is starting his own empire. he has opened another shop. NJ SKATESHOP will be the next zumies. the next pac sun. look for it at a mall near you. or you can go to his website and find out where this place is.


yes, ole nate sherwood. we've always loved him. how can you not love the guy? he was stoked when we asked him to be on the cover of "the kook issue." only nate could be stoked on that. and as we tried to say in that issue, the best thing about skateboarding isn't how similar we are, it's how different we all are. and nate's about as different as they get.

How high can you ollie/breech?
Up to my belly button on flat. That is how I measure when I go to ollie over something like a jersey barrier etc.

How high can you pressure flip?
Li’l over knee on flat , under hip etc. Yo but still it gets its pop. If it is off a wedge then hella hi like traffic candle stick hi.

Do you prefer fresh water or salt water?
Shepherds of the sea all like salt. Saving Whales is a great thing go Google “Sea Shepperds.” great group.

If you were a marine creature, what would you be?
Blue whale. Not by Japan, though. No thanks to their death star boats killing me.

If you were a whale, what kind of whale would you be?
Killer maybe, or above.

Have you ever caught a fish? What and where?
No, never have. I hate killing. I do it enough when I run over an ant skating.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to talk to children about the whale's enormous penis?
Not till they ask about it. I did at 7.

The barstools on Aristotle Onassis' yacht were covered in whale cock skin. (It's rumored that if you rubbed them right, they turned into couches!) If you had a few yards of whale cock skin, what would you cover with it?
I would never. I would rather ice breaker boat and a ak47 RPG and a few motors and sail to the shores off Japan and kill the fucks who kill whales. I would ram whale killers all day with my ship.

Does your whale cock have a name or nickname?

Are you still making homemade pornos?
I used to be a fucking freak, true. Young, insane and hope of glory on every corner. I got ill and I survived and after I got out of the hospital I swore to never do anything to be misogynistic in any shape or form. I as well tried to find a desk job but as u can see my spelling sucks and humans hate that. Being a lefty and dyslexic with a deaf right ear and turrets syndrome is a combo that the most damned do not get. I know there are people out there with it way worse and I hate being emo here but I changed when i got out. Three weeks in a bed will change a man. I never bragged about the video at the time it was more a gag sarcastic joke to get Nieratko back for his jokes on me. Then it blew up in my face and humans from Jeremy Klein to Ed Temp were asking about it. I wish I could delete that part of my life....

Have you learned to stop showing strangers your homemade pornos?
The above should answer this. I never showed anybody except you and the big bro staff. That day in 03.

What's the biggest whale you've slept with weigh in at?
I got a bruised rib once.

What's your technique for harpooning a whale?
Jameson and whiskey to the dome. And keeping in mind condoms are for puss's. No pun intended.

If you could be any animal's cock, what would it be?
Fuck man u r hung up on the cock I need to get u help?

Who do you think has the biggest cock (past or present) in skateboarding?
Lol, i have met so many skater dater chicks who tell story's of who is small who is not bla bla. I hate being drunk at a mini ramp with nothing but chick skaters, they say some evil shit. I will not name drop but if anybody ever hates on me I have a good loaded weapon of info on a ton of cats.

Who do you think is the biggest cock?
JAKE PHELPS. KELLY BIRD, in a funny way. He rules, but can be a dick when he is drunk. And Jake dumbcome. Any photographer who charges by the hour and invoices the mag 5 grand for a dumb nate pic that will never run even if it is free. Oh wait Brian peach is a fucking asshole. Straight up. I will burn all my bridges cause I would rather be on a island having fun than in traffic jams here. You feel me Dave?

If some kid wanted to grow up and be a kook like you, what would you tell him to do?
Have a good fan base on the net. Make sure you have a good day job with medical. Make sure u know skating is a hobby/art, not sport, or a way to profit in any shape or form. Collecting bottle caps is in the same category of nerd ness and we all end up in the dirt so fuck anybody who hates on you. Just live and have fun.

What's the best hate mail you've ever gotten?
“Can I print nater hater tee shirts, I will give u a cut?” I was down the kid never did it.

Do you have any new skate words you can eduskate us with? Dehydraskation is my new one due to my allergies and lack of good water in SD. I am too broke to buy bottled shit….

Send us off with some Sherwood wisdom and eduskation.
If you accept that you suck at life then goals will feel so much more easy to make. If one waits on the river banks long enough he will see the bodys of his sworn enemy's float by. Ask for a paper voting form when u vote. Never make fun of anybody in skating or they might become your TM. Do not trust anybody and save your cash….

Tuesday, March 13, 2007



This is lonnie. lonnie is nieratko's wife's uncle. i think that's the relationship? anyway, lonnie is retarded. and thus AWESOME. he's 50 something years old, but he thinks he's four. that's when his brain froze on the tractor. he cusses all the time. he hates camping, but he loves the three stooges and the beatles. we visited him in new jersey and we went and saw batman with him. he fell asleep a few times. when he was awake he would shake his finger at the movie screen. everyone in lonnie's life has a nickname. mrs nieratko, for instance, is SEAL. her name is chrissie and no one knows where seal came from. but that's her name, seal. as in, "FUCK YOU SEAL! WASH MY WHITES!" not many people have a lonnie name. i do not. but chris nieratko just got one. it takes years to get one. and now chris is part of the family. his name is CHRISALOO. congratulations chris. i'm jealous.


Jocko's art show at the regency was, in his words, "epic." i guess the cops showed up at 6 and politely kicked everyone out. apparently one of the cops said, "you guys are lucky i just saw lords of dogtown." i consider myself lucky enough to have never seen that movie.


our friend loomis, who djs at the infamous burgundy room in hollywood, enjoys wearing a little cape. and i mean little. it's about a foot wide and six inches long. ever since i saw loomis' beautiful li'l cape, i, along with ray and tania, have been fans of little capes. i'm even writing a story that involves a little cape and in my research for the story i came upon this photo of a very large cape. it took me awhile to even notice that even without his magnificent cape, this fellow is dressed awesome.


soon after we got beckett, he developed a little voice. he is a very polite little dog, innocent and naive, much like ATHF's meatwad. although he doesn't sound like meatwad. the one thing beckett says a lot is "please." it sounds more like "plaze." beckett's personality is pretty much the opposite of tania and i's in every way. he's a christian dog. he likes slow jamz, smooth jazz and oldies. after awhile i started writing down the little conversations we would have with each other. and just like vladimir and estragon, i hope to someday see them performed on the stage. gary, of course, still hates everything, but especially this nonsense.

Opening: Beckett and David walk to center stage. Tania and Sharan are sitting off to the side at a small table drinking, smoking and observing.

DAVID: Hello Beckett.
BECKETT: Hello David.
(Pause. Beckett observes David who after a few moments pours dog food into a bowl.)
BECKETT: David, are you making me a pork chop?
DAVID: No Beckett, I’m not making you a pork chop. (placing bowl of dog food on the ground in front of Beckett.) There you go. That should hold you while we do this.
BECKETT: David. There’s dog food in my bowl.
DAVID: I know.
BECKETT: David. Please. There must be some sort of mistake. I ordered a pork chop.
DAVID: Beckett you’ve never even had a pork chop.
BECKETT: David, please, we have known each other my whole life.
DAVID: I know Beckett.
SHARAN: His whole life?
TANIA: Beckett’s whole life. The goddamn dog is only five months old.
BECKETT: David, I know you long for my luscious lips.
DAVID: No, not really Beckett. You have gross dog lips. I do not long for them.
BECKETT: David! Please!
DAVID: You do. Your lips are black and they are gross.
BECKETT: And I suppose, David, that you’re going to tell me that Tania’s lips are more luscious than mine?
DAVID: Her lips don’t have tentacles.
BECKETT: David! Please! That woman has only known us for five short months and in that short period of time she has done nothing but try to destroy the relationship we have forged. As they say, David, “When compatibility meets unbridled passion…”
DAVID: Beckett, please, you know Tania and I have been together for a long time.
BECKETT: Give me a kiss David.
DAVID: I love you Beckett, but no kisses.
BECKETT: David. Please.
DAVID: Beckett.
DAVID: Alright. One. As long as you keep that weird ass octopus thing in your mouth.
SHARAN: Does Beckett always shove his tongue way up David’s nose like that?
TANIA: Yeah.
SHARAN: Jesus. How far up does that thing go?
TANIA: I seriously think he licks his brain. Or what’s left of it.

Monday, March 12, 2007


tania and i visited the long beach aquarium last saturday. we've been trying to go for weeks, but partying, hangovers, sickness, birthdays, hockey, etc. has always sunk our chances. i was told it is better than the monterey bay aquarium. it is not. in fact we were rather astounded by how short our visit was. still it was nice for what it was. we went for business reasons. i wanted to shoot photos of whale cocks. unfortunately they don't have any whale cocks. or even whales for that matter. they did have a giant blue whale hanging from the ceiling though. i have drawn in its giant black cock.

since tania and i don't have children, i'm fond of taking pictures of other people's children. they're just so stupid.

i also found it's easier to just take pictures of the aquarium's pictures of their fish rather than try and shoot photos of the actual fish themselves. this little fucker is saying, "hi-eee! welcome to my underwater paradise!"

tania and i are big fans of retards. and what the aquarium may have lacked in exhibits, it made up for in retards. there was a whole gang of them from whittier wandering around. these two looked a lot like that dude from slingblade and i couldn't help but say, "mmm-hm, mustard and biscuits," over and over again. while i'm shooting this photo there's a tard off camera yelling, "SEA OTTUH! SEA OTTUH! SEA OTTUH!" there was only one sea otter. and all it was doing was sleeping and eating ice. which was a big let down.

then there was this guy. the word jackass has kind of lost its meaning. i was there when we came up with the name for the show. i think it was me, knoxville, tremaine and cliver. i don't remember if spike was there. and i like to believe i'm the one that originally suggested the name. the word was definitely part of our vocabulary at the time. but at the same time, i also have a memory of me poo-pooing the idea because there was a clothing company in san diego (i think?) at the time also called jackass. and they were stupid. and that's about how much value i saw in the idea: it was as brilliant as a stupid clothing company out of san diego. genius. anyway, we turned a corner and ended up in this tunnel where a large crowd was gathered around this balding man throwing his keys at the aquarium glass. the seal would try and catch the keys and in the process it was constantly bonking its nose on the glass. while everyone else was very excited to watch the seal flip and spin around underwater, tania and i grew more and more uncomfortable. "it was just wrong," tania said. "it made me really nervous because you know how you feel when someone is about to get busted?" the man continued throwing the keys much to the delight of the crowd that had gathered around him. his wife kept taking pictures. "you should be a trainer!" someone yelled out laughing. "haha! i know!" the jackass said. and he just kept throwing the keys. even let his son torment the poor animal.

here is a closeup of the seal's face. i think he wants to kill him. "give me the shiny thing, asshole!"

tania is petting a ray. i thought the rays felt like velvet, but i was later informed that they feel like boogers. they are coated with mucus.

INTERMISSION TANGENT! ray sent us this photo of some friend of his's grandma....his's? apparently she has dementia. (and perhaps i's does toos?) so instead of throwing keys or shiny objects around in front of her, they made her a PENTAGRAMMA cake. happy birthday ye olde devil!

i do not smoke pot. very often anyway. i can't even remember the last time i smoked it. but we smoked pot in the cab of my truck in the parking lot before going into the aquarium because there is absolutely no other way to enjoy the jelly fish exhibits. it's a rule. just like you don't listen to the band you're going to see the day of the show, you do not go to look at jelly fish without being stoned. "dave carnie making screen savers." -tania

and while there was no whalecock to be found, we did enjoy this poster of dolphin cock.

Thursday, March 01, 2007


Jocko Weyland is hosting an art show at an abandoned hotel on Sunset. I believe this is the hotel with the empty pool that him, Buddy and Charnoski have been skating? Sorry if that was a secret. I also think he told me this is the hotel where Divine died? Anyway, i thought this was one of the better art show invitations i've ever gotten. I'm still not going, though. Fuck art, let's kill.

Elk Gallery at The Regency
March 4th, 2007
7940 Hollywood Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90046

Nicole Andrews
Gerardo Castillo
Rick Charnoski
Bill Daniel
Frank Grow
John Brinton Hogan
Sue Huang
Brian Kennon
Julie Lequin
Doug Magnuson
Rene Margritte
Coan Nichols
Daniel Pineda

The Regency is at 7940 Hollywood Blvd, between Fairfax and Laurel. Park on Hollywood, Fairfax, Selma or Laurel. Walk to the driveway directly west of the Regency. Climb over the fence and proceed south along the side of the building until you come to a chair on your left. Use the chair to climb over the wall and then go straight ahead into the Regency. Please be advised that by attending the exhibition you will be trespassing and thereby are subject to the possible consequences of breaking the law. If you see a security guard upon approaching The Regency do not attempt to enter. If any neighbors are around walk by and return when they are gone. Also keep in mind that you will have to climb two five-foot high walls and that sensible shoes are recommended due to debris and other obstacles in the rooms. Another consideration is exposure to asbestos. The Regency does not have bathroom facilities, though that does not necessarily mean you can’t go to the bathroom there.